1. Pink. Little Miss “I’m not going to adhere to the
rules of society and I’m way cooler than any other pop star” is a fake. You can rock your short hair and swing around
on a trapeze all you want, but when your lyrics include “Don’t get fancy, just
get dancy” I’m calling shenanigans on your badass-ness. Your husband?
Hot and covered in tattoos. (Note: So is mine.)
Your delusions of going against the grain and doing your own thing in
the music business? Ludicrous. Just release your inner Britney and attack
someone with an umbrella. THAT’S
rebellion, Pink. Take some notes.
2. Speaking of “celebrities”
let’s talk about celebrity exhaustion. I’m
fairly sure the last time I got overwhelmed by every day stuff like going to
work and paying my ever-increasing water bill I did one of two things: 1. Drank a bottle of wine or 2. Drank another
bottle of wine. “Exhaustion” is another
thing I’m calling shenanigans on as it should really go by its actual moniker:
adulthood. Welcome to it, asshats. Welcome to the world of having a job! And responsibilities! And a strong urge to strangle the person in
front of you at the store that says, “Will you just give me a minute? I forgot to get bread. Back in just a second!” You’re not exhausted – you’re a major
p***y. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of
time to reflect on this fact while you’re sipping “prescription” sparkling
water and getting “therapeutic” massages as part of your “treatment.”
3. Windshield
Memorials. I understand that death is a
part of society and I in no way mean to downplay the grief felt at the passing
of a loved one. But memorializing this person
on the back windshield of your 2007 Dodge Ram is a bit unnecessary and will
wreak what I can only assume will be havoc on the Kelly Blue Book value. I’m sure that Kevon McGriffy III certainly will R.I.P. knowing that the commuters
behind you on I-24 are armed with the knowledge that he lived from 1982 – 2009
and that you’ve adorned the years with angel wings.
4. Preachy
billboards. Living in the South, these
are fairly commonplace, especially in more rural areas. They’re usually very black and white (much
like morality!) and are threatening that you’re going to hell for…something. Some just list the Ten Commandments (often
these have to be broken into 2 billboards) and some say things like, “REPENT,
SINNER!” with hellacious flames at the bottom.
I actually shouldn’t say that they annoy me, per se, as I find them kind
of amusing, especially on road trips through the boonies, but really. Let’s take them down and replace them with
something useful. Like the length of the
wait time at the nearest ER.
And now, to complete your Memorial Day weekend cynicism, are
some things that make me happy:
1. My parents found
their cat! “I didn’t know the cat was
missing” you might be thinking to yourself.
Well, never worry because the cat was found, safe and sound, in a beaver
trap. You see, cat food was placed in
the trap to lure the beavers (please be assured that I’m aware of the innuendos
that are inherent in this little rant) and the cat was understandably
interested by the thought of cat food in a box near a creek (beavers, cats, and
boxes. I can’t even begin to tell you my
delight in all of these unintentionally-placed jokes.) ANYWAY, the fact that the cat was found made
me happy. The fact that the cat was
found in a beaver trap sent me over the edge into blissful oblivion.
2. The fact that we’re
about to spend the next three days doing one of these things: swimming in the
lake. Hanging in a hammock. And that’s about it. Possibly sipping on some Maker’s during each
of these activities and that’s about it.
No phones. No deadlines. Just water, trees, and the inevitable tick or
two. And I can’t wait.
Happy Memorial Day, y’all.
Stay cynical.
why not hanging in the lake and swimming in the hammock!!ha
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