While driving to work and cursing my fellow commuters this
morning, I came to the (not at all) shocking conclusion that humanity
sucks. I feel the world is slowly
degenerating into a heaping, flaming pile of poo and when the earth finally
says, “Enough” and caves in on itself, it will probably be a blessing in
disguise. And it’s with these happy
sentiments that I present another blog on all that’s wrong with this world.
1. Keurig coffee
makers. Are people aware that you don’t
HAVE to make an entire pot of coffee? Do
folks realize that all you need to do to make a cup of coffee is to add less
water and less coffee to your coffee pot?
Why do we need individually-sized pieces of plastic to aid us with
simple math in the morning? Answer: we $#&%ing don’t.
2. Alex Trabek
pronouncing fancy words all…fancy-like.
I know you’ve hosted Jeopardy for going on 84 some odd years, and I’m
sure you’ve gained multitudes of completely useless knowledge in your tenure,
but do you have to say those words like you’re the greatest thing since
pre-sliced cheese? Answer: you *#^%ing don’t. And Giada De Laurentiis? Don’t think you’re exempt from this rant,
either. You don’t think we notice that
your Italian accent suddenly appears with that ball of mozzarella cheese? Answer:
we *#&%ing do.
3. The fact that the
steam cleaner I picked up off the side of the road doesn’t work. Granted, I had a feeling that the reason my beloved
steam cleaner appeared on the curb wasn’t
that it worked perfectly, but a cash-strapped gal can hope, can’t she? I had high hopes when I actually turned on,
but after filling the water reservoir and adding (extremely freakin’ expensive)
steam cleaner solution, I decided to try my hand at clean carpets. The problem?
The water doesn’t come out, so you just wind up with soap-soaked carpets
and no steam. I’m now faced with the
dilemma of putting the stupid thing BACK into my car and finding someone who
will repair it, and I’m fairly certain those people are few and far between,
thanks to the popular “it’s cheaper to just get a new one” mentality. Sadness and dirty carpets: I have them.
4. Looking at rich
peoples’ houses. People magazine has a
penchant for running a “Houses of the Stars!” feature that makes me want to
punch a baby. Life sucks as it is and
the last thing I need to see after attempting to steam-clean my carpets with a
roadside steam cleaner is some rich assclown’s personal bowling alley/wine
closet. It’s like this: wake up in a house you hate. Go to a job that you may or may not
hate. Get paid. Spend your entire paycheck on bills you
hate. And then sit down at the end of a
hard week to get slapped in the face with, “We know the country’s in a
recession and that you hate your life – but look at the awesome stuff these
people have!” I don’t give a flying rat’s
dirty parts about a Kardashian’s custom-designed wading lake. I just want my property taxes to stop
increasing.
5. Increased property
taxes. Why my property taxes weren’t
rolled into my mortgage payments from the get-go is a complete mystery to me,
so imagine my surprise when I got a hefty bill the first year in my house labeled,
“Property taxes!” (I may have added the exclamation point for effect.) After that first slap in the face, I wisely
thought, “I know. I’ll put money away
all year so when the property tax bill comes, I’ll actually have the money with
which to pay said bill.” Foresight – it’s
a hell of a drug, I tell ya. So imagine
my surprise when I got this year’s property tax bill – and it was MUCH higher
than its predecessors. Deciding to
exercise my right to call and bitch about things, I called our lovely tax folks
and explained the fact that, if anything, our property values have hit the
proverbial bottom and that I’m well-versed in this soul-crushing fact due to
the whole “can’t sell my house for what I owe on it” situation we’re in
currently. I mentioned the foreclosures,
the bank seizures, and the asinine prices of the abodes surrounding me and was
told, “Those aren’t valid sales” when assessing property values. OH REALLY?
Because they sure as hell matter when it comes to selling the
house. Interesting, Charlie Cardwell,
metropolitan trustee. Very, very
interesting. Assclown.
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