Monday, October 25, 2010

A Rant...and a Few Raves!

I know you’ve all been suffering cold chills and insuppressible stomach cramps from a lack of my writing lately, and I apologize for that.  It’s not a sincere apology by any means, but it’s the apathetic thought that counts.  Right?  And now, with no further fanfare cleverly hidden in a “header,” are more things that annoy me!

  1. Couples who share a Facebook page.  If Facebook wasn’t free, I would totally be on board with this.  The thing is – it costs NOTHING.  These couples usually fill their status updates with lots of little hearts and phrases that are TyPeD LiKe ThIs!  Firstly, you’re a complete moron if you think that you’re cute.  You’re not.  You’re co-dependant.  Secondly, don’t you need a break from each other?  Does your husband really care about a string of pictures taken from the album, “This Weekend at Da Club!” that involves nothing more than a series of pictures taken by one of the subjects, so you see a lot of arm and three and a half faces over and over again?    Or you see “Group Shot at Dinner” and “Group Shot on Stage, Y’all!” or “Group Shot Stumbling into a Taxi at the End of the Night.”  I’m guilty of this, yes.  But Travis?  Completely uninterested.  Kind of like I could care less about his Star Wars Fan Page and his “Stalking Sarah Jessica Parker” app.  Take a stand and get your own Facebook page before I stab one of you…preferably the one of you I friended in the first place.
  2. Those people who stand in the middle of
    Bell Road
    in orange vests and demand money.  These are fully-grown people holding out buckets, high-school-road-block style and asking for my spare change.  My question to these people is, “Who ARE you?”  Are they really smart pan-handlers who have accosted a road crew?  Are they a group of rogue prisoners attempting to make enough money to cross the border?  Are they a lonely group of cyclists who have lost their cycles?  Whatever the reason, I refuse to give you money just because you stand in an intersection with a bucket and make me feel uncomfortable.  Dance around and act a fool all you like – my change will be going to a lone downtown parking meter that will expire before I can get back to my car and leave me with a parking ticket, anyway.  At least I know what criminal is on the receiving end of my change that way. 
  3. Anyone who walks into a sit-down restaurant and sits down.  Without the help of a hostess.  A hostess is there for one reason – to keep a semblance of order in what can become a quite chaotic environment.  I’ve worked in restaurants for going on 11 years and I know what I’m doing.  When I sit you on the right side of the room, there is a method to my madness.  And my method is laziness.  You see, that’s the side I’ve been sitting people on all night.  These causes all the mess to be on one side of the room, which cuts my time spent vacuuming in half!  I’m not working hard – I’m working smart.  With very, very dumb people.  And when you say things like, “Can you hurry?  I’m really hungry”  you should know that I don’t give a flying piece of pepperoni pizza.  If you’re hungry, maybe you should have gone to McDonald’s and not a place that says, on the menu, that some items may take up to 30 minutes.  I won’t be offended if you leave.  I’ll probably get the same tip either way – a lot of nothing – and it will save me further vacuuming time.  And finally, for the love of all that is holy, just leave a tip.  If you can afford that cute, American Apparel hipster sweater and a stupid faux hawk that sets off your skinny jeans, then you can afford to give a server wearing Goodwill jeans and a stained t-shirt at least 15%...but 20% is preferred. 
Oh, and while I thought I was done, I have one more thing to add:  if you’re not from the South and you so much as try to make fun of my accent, or the fact that I just said, “y’all,” I will cut you with the dullest pizza wheel in the kitchen.  But then again, you’re not the sharpest wheel in the drawer in the first place, are you?

And now, a change of pace for once, as I also have a list of things that make me indescribably happy!
  1. The Hickory Hollow Kia woman.  I know this woman is completely annoying, but how can one not love a towering giant of a woman who could eat her husband in one bite saying things like, “I think they liked my driving lesson just a little bit better than yours.  Just sayin.”  I mean, come ON!  This family is comedic gold!  The children are going to grow up to give Lindsay Lohan a run for her money, the husband obviously feels inadequate (in several departments, I’m guessing,) and that woman is a freakishly-dressed giant!  They’re hilariously dumb and quite frankly, make me feel a bit better about myself.  
  2. The guy dressed in the gold suit in front of the Gold Rush (or one of those gold stores) on
    Nolensville Road
    .  Now, I’ll admit the first “Dancing Gold Man,” as I affectionately refer to him, stole my heart.  His dance moves were unparalleled and his spirit was infectious.  The new guy just stands there in a gold pimp suit in hopes that someone will risk driving down
    Nolensville Road
    with a large amount of gold to sell. 
  3. Game shows.  Be it Wheel of Fortune, the $10,000 Pyramid, or the Price is Right, I love them all.  I really love the older game shows, because they show exactly how racist and sexist we used to be as a culture – and how we showcased that to the world via Match Game (don’t believe me?  Give it a look.  Completely inappropriate!)  I personally like to fantasize about being able to run around on the sets after-hours and have full access to all of the games (especially the Plinko board from the Price is Right.  I would move that into my living room if I could.)  And who doesn’t want to pretend like the Wheel of Fortune wheel is a merry-go-round?  Sometimes I want a studio audience to echo an obvious answer in life, just like they do on Family Feud.  Other days I want a jukebox and a trip to Bermuda for correctly guessing the price of Band-Aids.  And then some days I’m content to make fun of the people who are obviously morons and will go home and watch their failed performance repeatedly while rocking back and forth and muttering, “I knew I should have picked case #3.  I knew it.” 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Social dilemmas. We all have them, but not all of us have a social gnome with which to resolve these dilemmas. This is where I, your crass and apathetic social Sherpa, come into play. I present to you the 2010 Guide to Embarrassing Social Situations.

Q. I’m often confused by the wording on invitations regarding attire. What does “Black Tie Casual” mean? Or how about “Business Standard?”
A: Ahhh, the eternal question of what to wear to a function that you probably don’t want to attend in the first place. Let me break it down for you:
Black Tie Casual: You’ll most often see this phrase in reference to weddings or incredibly snooty dinner parties. The “Black Tie” part simply means that you have to buy a new outfit. The “Casual” part means that you can leave on the tags and return it after the wretched affair is over. Be careful when choosing your attire for one of these get-togethers, as you’ll want something that can withstand a possible open bar, a possible dance floor, and a possible need to flee the scene quickly after you throw up in the coat closet.

Business Standard: This is easy. Take one of your sluttiest shirts and put it on under a blazer. Add a martini in one hand and a business card in the other. Accessorize with a string of pearls and several phrases that involve a lot of acronyms.

Smart Casual: This can go several ways, but very rarely does it go the way of “smart.” The only tips I can give to anyone attending an event where the attire is “Smart Casual” is to smartly and casually invent a deadly sickness to be stricken with hours before the first mindless chit is chatted and watch the game at home like you want to in the first place.

Q. I really hate when I go to a dinner party that’s buffet-style. How can I avoid the inevitable hesitation and awkwardness that everyone feels when it’s time to start the buffet?
A: I often find it funny that people will attend a party specifically thrown to serve them dinner and then act as if they aren’t hungry when it comes time to actually eat said dinner. Several tactics exist to get around this. I often hide in the bathroom and stay there until I hear something to the effect of, “You’re the guest – YOU go first!” This also gets me out of the sight-line of the hostess before the meal so she can’t ask me to help chop lettuce, garnish devilled eggs, or clean up the unfortunate mess in the coat closet. Another option to anyone arriving too late to claim the bathroom is to start a fire in another room and go first yourself. No one will think you a gluttonous pig and you can get revenge on the jerk who claimed the bathroom before you.

Q: My best friend wants to wear white to my wedding. What do I do?
A: The answer is obvious. Simply respond to the request by telling her what you’ll be wearing to her not-so-distant funeral.

Q: My son is turning 4 in a couple of weeks and we want to throw a party for him and several of his friends. We don’t like exposing our son to cartoons, video games, plastics # 2-5, or people named Patton. How can we express these concerns on the invitation without being too wordy?
A: How about this – “We live in an incredibly boring household and before our little Stalwart III grows into a mass murdering crazy person, please join us for his 4th birthday party this Saturday. Please, no gifts, but feel free to donate to a charity or bartender of your choice.”

Q: My neighbor’s dogs are constantly relieving themselves in my yard. How can I confront my neighbor politely and get this (literal) load of crap to come to an end?
A: The simple solution would be to gently ask you neighbor to clean up after his dog. A much more satisfying solution would be to collect the droppings and light them on fire in your neighbor’s living room while attempting to avoid the buffet line.

Q: I am a complete germo-phobe and I really hate touching other people, i.e. shaking hands, hugs hello, and so forth. How can I explain my phobia to others without coming across as standoffish?
A: Let me tell you a little secret. People are disgusting, vile creatures and you have every reason to be a little freaked out by these germ-carrying cesspools. However, I don’t particularly like touching the hand of the weird mailman, but I do it for the free Victoria’s Secret coupons. I also don’t particularly care to give the midget cashier at Mapco foot rubs every Wednesday, but I do it for the free Slushees and discounted hot dogs. My point is that while you think people are revolting (and rightfully so) you are probably just as repulsive, and if you could get over your little “fear” you too could be munching on pork by-products in the comfort of the walk-in beer cooler.

Q: My friends and I are having an argument. They say that you are a single, 58-year-old recluse who sits around watching Lifetime movies and sipping homemade Molotov cocktails. I say that you are only 32, have 7 cats, and enjoy knitting cozies for kitchen appliances. Who is right here? P.S. There’s a steak dinner riding on this!
A: Perhaps you should treat each other to a trip through the White Castle drive-thru because I can assure you that I’m neither a recluse, no am I 58. I have never watched a movie on Lifetime, but I will confess to the occasional episode of “Columbo.” While I will always admire a well-cushioned microwave, my knitting skills are limited and my ferret, Freckles, ate my knitting needles three years ago. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are hookers to be eradicated and pineapples to be tended.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Angry Curl's Guide to Living Life on the Cheap

So, you've decided to read my blog.  Congratulations on your first step towards senility.  If you don't know me, I can assure you that I am one thing if I am anything:  cheap.  And I have no qualms about digging through dirty bins filled with mismatched shoes at the Salvation Army, nor do I turn up my nose at the about-to-expire pork chops in the Manager Meat section at Kroger. Deciding it’s a shame to keep these awesomely cheap ideas to myself, I’ve decided to share them with you, dear reader, in hopes that soon you too will soon be tugging a J. Crew shirt out of a woman’s hands on Half-Off Goodwill Saturday.

1. Cars are expensive. Gas is exorbitant, oil changes are costly, and the cost of tires will make you pee yourself a little bit. Since this form of transportation isn’t exactly thrifty, might I suggest riding bikes? There are racks and racks of them around the city! Simply carry your “Bike Emancipation Kit” (your bike helmet and some bolt cutters) and you could be traversing Nashville with an ever-growing rap sheet and indisputable thriftiness.

2. My water bill has been exponentially growing the past few months, so I decided to put a cap on my water usage. I did this by gaining my neighbors’ trust, and in turn, got a key to their place. You know, to check on things in case of an emergency. I now shower there after they’ve gone to work. I also steal their cat food! You have NO idea how much money I’ve saved (plus, they feed their cats Iams, which is waaaaay out of my price range.) I’m clean and my cats are happy. I view this as a win-win in my book.

3. I also routinely raid my co-worker’s snack drawers after hours. A dinner of chicken noodle soup and cheese crackers is much more nutritious when it’s free. It also helps with the cost of the night-vision goggles and ski caps.

4. I often serve roadkill at dinner parties. When served out of a Crock-Pot with toothpicks, people are too busy praising your braising to question the origins of said meat.

5. Now, I’ve certainly heard about people re-using coffee grounds, but this requires you to actually buy coffee in the first place. Simply go down to Starbucks, get the coffee grounds for free, and re-use at your pleasure. Not only are you getting free, gourmet coffee, you’re also getting a unique blend I like to call the “Cheap-tastic Roast of the Day.”

6. Two words if you happen to find a place with a rat problem: Free. Cheese.

7. I have 365 ID’s all giving me a different birthday. The cost of these fake ID’s (gained in the parking lot of Hillsboro High School) is easily offset by the copious amounts of free cake and sombrero-wearing experiences you’re about to encounter.

8. I split the cost of a gym membership with a dear friend with a rather large gym bag. You do the math.

9. The free bins in front of McKay’s Used Books are always a great place for bargain-hunting. Just crawl in slightly before closing, cover yourself with books, and wait until they pull you inside. Then you have a virtual plethora of free books!

10. There is no need to visit a zoo when you live in Tennessee. There are plenty of farmers who would welcome a little volunteer labor at 4am when milking cows. Your children will get a feel of where there milk comes from, all with the same benefits of a petting zoo. And manure comes right out in your neighbor’s washing machine. Trust me.

11. Also, you can get the full bumper car experience if you find a grocery store with a parking lot on a hill. Strap in little Folkcherry (or whatever your child’s name may be) and give them a shove. See? Just like Dollywood!

12. Pimp yourself out as an advice-giving guru, even if you have absolutely no experience or knowledge of well, anything. It’s a great way to make a little cash while bettering humanity in the meantime.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Annoyances Abound

So I finally broke down and decided to get a legitimate blog instead of posting crazed ramblings on Facebook (that sound you hear is the collective sigh of relief from my 19.5 Facebook friends.  Two of whom I'm convinced are actually wandering cattle from Farmville.)  I'm crazy bad at anything technological, so excuse the basicness of this blog.  Also excuse my use of words like "basicness."  To kick off my new blog in style I've decided to post about what else?  Things and people that annoy the utter crap out of me.  Aren't you lucky??
1.  YouTube.  If I have to watch that asinine "Dad's Life" video one more time, I'm going to write a PG-13 rap about gouging my own eyes out.  It was funny the first time.  The second time?  Not so bad.  But by the 8th time that I was forced to watch it while someone stood over my shoulder and said, "Wait.  This part's the best!" I was done.  9 times out of 10, the video is funny to the person who recommends it.  And no one else.  And when you sit there and watch me watch the video you've just forwarded to me, I get really f'ing annoyed.  Annoyed by the fact that I'm forced to watch some stupid baby dance or some chipmunk look surprised or that Chocolate Rain kid (that one's actually kind of funny.  But you didn't hear me say that.)  My life is being taken from me in 2:47 increments and I'm not happy about it.  Perhaps the worst offense of YouTube, however, is the fact that these stupid videos have the power to bring a cocktail party to a halt while 15 of your closest friends huddle around a computer screen in order to see Miss South Carolina wax poetic about The Iraq.  But wait!  What's this on the side bar?  Other morons who have enjoyed this video also watched these other idiotic videos!  Let's check those out while our the lasagna bolognese gets cold and our host's eyes roll back into her head.  So, feel free to go ahead and cry your eyes out about that lion or that "PSA" about running people over while you're texting.  I'm going to watch my bottle of vodka disappear into a vat of tonic and subsequently my gullet.  And lookie there.  According to the bottle, people who drink vodka tonics may also enjoy a dry martini.  Oh the possibilities!
2.  M. Night Shyamalan can suck it.  I get it.  Your movies have a twist, which is exactly what you're going to need to do to my arm to get me to watch one of these cinematic monstrosities.  "The 6th Sense" was tolerable and I'll admit to semi-liking "Signs."  But "The Village" made me want to don a yellow robe and stab our friend Mr. Shyamalan.  And whose middle name is "Night?"  People who make crappy movies, that's who.  That way, people can be focused on pronouncing your name on not on the fact that they just spent $9.00 and two hours in a dark room with germ-laden freaks to find out the entire thing was a hoax in the middle of some state park (yes, that was a spoiler.  Please feel free to not follow my blog any longer because if you actually have plans to watch "The Village" then we're going to have problems anyway.)
3.  Anyone who says, "the book was waaay better" when watching a movie.  I'm listing this because I realized recently that I've done this on multiple occasions (see?  I can make fun of myself.  A little.)  I realize that most offenders simply want the fact that they actually read be known to the group gathered around for the movie.  I also realize this is extremely obnoxious.  It's like saying, "The sand at Palm Springs is waaaay whiter" while you're kicking young children out of your way in the kiddie pool at Wave Country.  Yes.  I am sure there are brighter pastures out there to be explored, oh conceited one, but let's not bring those things up while we're all mired in the stupidity that is "The Firm" shall we?  So, to help rid society of this nagging problem, I'm biting my tongue.  But just so you know.  I've read "The Shawshank Redemption," "Fight Club," and "Memoirs of a Geisha."  You've been warned. 
4.  The "I've Just Been on Vacation, Took a LOT of Pictures, and Now I'm Posting All of Them on Facebook!" people:  I don't mind that you want to post pictures of yourself having way more fun than any of your friends.  It helps take the edge off of easing back into a work-saturated reality that you just escaped for a week plus it gives you a chance to gloat that no one else in your 498 friends went swimming with the dolphins in Mexico or fed their arm to a large polar bear in Alaska.  But can we edit a little bit?  I will admit to looking at your photos as a way to escape MY work-saturated reality so if you could spare me the 34 pictures of your hotel room, I'd appreciate it.  I don't need 18 shots of the water with the caption, "The water was so clear!"  Now, if your cruise ship happened upon a raft of Cuban refugees who boarded the ship and proceeded to do a musical dance number on the main deck, please post pictures.  Otherwise, pick out the ones where you look skinny and tanned (but not drunk yet) and post away!  Included in this are people who post multiple shots from an aquarium or concert.  Blurry fish and bright lights do not an interested Facebook stalker make, my friends. 
5.  Basil Marceaux.  You have made a mockery of Tennessee for long enough.  If you're going to be a complete idiot representing a state, may I suggest you start doing sit-ups and move to New Jersey?  We have enough problems with all these guns we now allow in bars so I'd appreciate it if you'd take your incoherent political babble to another state.  If I am forced to watch 3 minutes of your rambling on YouTube, I'm coming after you.  I will rip off your arm and feed it to a polar bear while forcing you to watch "Unbreakable."  And I'll post every single picture on Facebook.