I recently discovered that my husband likes to dress up as a monkey and clean the house while I am gone. Should I leave him?
Your husband is weird. I can’t believe he actually likes to clean the house. Keep him around until he starts flinging his own poo at you. But even if he does, it sounds like he'll be more than willing to clean it up. With that in mind, I amend my statement to say, "keep him until he eats your face."
I’m afraid my boyfriend is cheating on me. He is constantly “working late” or “helping a buddy move.” Last week I found lipstick on his collar. What do I do?
Of course your boyfriend is cheating on you. Men are scum and the reason Van Damme movies exist. My advice for you is to plot revenge. Check out my new book, “101 Ways to Use Plum Jelly and Driveway Gravel as Retaliatory Devices” for some great ideas to teach him that no one cheats on “Cheated.”
We have a group of people at work who are constantly asking me to chip in to buy a birthday cake, anniversary card, or get well gift for another co-worker. How can I tell them politely that I don’t want to participate?
Broke as a Joke
Look, in this economy no one wants to buy anyone else anything, but you do it because one day you're going to be the subject of a baby shower, a birthday party, or a going away get together before you leave to serve that pesky jail sentence from the unfortunate "raccoon incident" from 2 years ago. Point being that you do it so you can hold it over others heads when it's your turn. So stop being such a cheap skate and throw in whatever cash you haven't used on lawyer fees or rabies shots and wait for your turn to roll around. Your cell mate, Big Steve, will be glad for the girlie magazines you got when you traded that potted plant your co-workers got you as a farewell gift.
I have an aunt who shamelessly “re-gifts” everything. Last year for our anniversary, we got a used bar of soap and a tire iron. What should we do?
Maybe your aunt is trying to tell you something. That “something” may be that you stink and have a flat tire. Instead of being ungrateful, perhaps you should take the hints of your elders and be appreciative that someone remembers the day you married that ingrate of a husband. If this doesn’t work, might I suggest a half-eaten Mars bar and a slightly-gray athletic sock under Auntie's tree next year?
I recently gave up eating anything with the letter “m” in the name of the food. How do I politely respond to comments I receive at dinner parties about my new diet?
You should be happy that people still actually want to hang out with you, given your proclivity towards idiocy. When people ask about your extreme
I consider myself an attractive, put-together woman and I carry myself with confidence. What can I do when I overhear other girls making catty remarks at my expense?
I’m sorry it took me a while to answer your letter. I had to wait for your note to waft down from your high horse and float down here to reality. Now, I would suggest that you take a moment and have a talk with those girls. They’re probably making fun of you because it makes them feel better about themselves. This is a great tactic to raise your self-esteem! My advice is to go sit on a park bench outside of your local psychiatrist’s office and make fun of those much crazier and uglier than you. You'll feel like a million bucks in no time and you can thank me later.
I have an extremely rude co-worker. This individual plays his music at a loud volume, eats tuna for lunch everyday, and is constantly carrying on personal conversations with his girlfriend. Do I confront him? What are your tips on handling this situation?
This is a tricky situation that should be handled with the utmost aplomb. And by aplomb, I mean you should order a pair of my specially trained Guatemalan fighting frogs to put an end to the matter.
I have a friend who constantly gossips about me! For instance, when I got my new promotion, she spread the rumor that I had to sleep with my boss to get it. And when I moved into my awesome new house, she ruined my house-warming party by telling everyone that the house used to be a dominatrix dungeon and some of the people were still tied up in the basement. I'm getting married next year and I'm afraid of what she'll do next. What do I do?
Dear Talked About,
First things first: Begin by grabbing a science book. Secondly, you need to realize that the world doesn't actually revolve around you. Now that we have that out of the way, I can't blame her for being annoyed with you because, judging from your letter, you're kind of a tool. All you talked about was your great new job and fabulous new house. In fact, I actually plan on talking about you at the next party I attend. I mean, I totally just heard that the only reason your fiance proposed was so you would stop making death threats against his mother. And you really used to be a dude? I suppose that would clear up the confusion from your hairy Sasquatch hands...
My boss is about to buy her fourth miniature Dachshund puppy. I thought it would be nice if those of us in the office pitched in to throw her a “Puppy Shower.” How should I word the invitations?
Word them however you can in between the bits of poo that will inevitably be flung at you by your co-workers. You should get together with Sasquatch hands. I hear has an army of small dogs that she uses to serve cocktails at her dominatrix parties.