Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Jamiepolitan Advice Column

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I recently discovered that my husband likes to dress up as a monkey and clean the house while I am gone. Should I leave him?
Second Banana

Dear Banana,
Your husband is weird. I can’t believe he actually likes to clean the house. Keep him around until he starts flinging his own poo at you. But even if he does, it sounds like he'll be more than willing to clean it up.  With that in mind, I amend my statement to say, "keep him until he eats your face." 

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I’m afraid my boyfriend is cheating on me. He is constantly “working late” or “helping a buddy move.” Last week I found lipstick on his collar. What do I do?
Feeling Cheated

Dear Cheated,
Of course your boyfriend is cheating on you. Men are scum and the reason Van Damme movies exist.  My advice for you is to plot revenge. Check out my new book, “101 Ways to Use Plum Jelly and Driveway Gravel as Retaliatory Devices” for some great ideas to teach him that no one cheats on “Cheated.”

Dear Jamiepolitan,
We have a group of people at work who are constantly asking me to chip in to buy a birthday cake, anniversary card, or get well gift for another co-worker. How can I tell them politely that I don’t want to participate?
Broke as a Joke

Dear Broke,
Look, in this economy no one wants to buy anyone else anything, but you do it because one day you're going to be the subject of a baby shower, a birthday party, or a going away get together before you leave to serve that pesky jail sentence from the unfortunate "raccoon incident" from 2 years ago.  Point being that you do it so you can hold it over others heads when it's your turn.  So stop being such a cheap skate and throw in whatever cash you haven't used on lawyer fees or rabies shots and wait for your turn to roll around.  Your cell mate, Big Steve, will be glad for the girlie magazines you got when you traded that potted plant your co-workers got you as a farewell gift. 

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I have an aunt who shamelessly “re-gifts” everything. Last year for our anniversary, we got a used bar of soap and a tire iron. What should we do?

Dear Ungifted,
Maybe your aunt is trying to tell you something. That “something” may be that you stink and have a flat tire. Instead of being ungrateful, perhaps you should take the hints of your elders and be appreciative that someone remembers the day you married that ingrate of a husband. If this doesn’t work, might I suggest a half-eaten Mars bar and a slightly-gray athletic sock under Auntie's tree next year?

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I recently gave up eating anything with the letter “m” in the name of the food. How do I politely respond to comments I receive at dinner parties about my new diet?

Dear _oron,
You should be happy that people still actually want to hang out with you, given your proclivity towards idiocy.  When people ask about your extremely stupid new diet, don't give them the satisfaction of winning the bet they made with their friend that they know someone who actually adheres to this stupid line of thinking.  Just shut your mouth and pass the hummus you can't eat.

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I consider myself an attractive, put-together woman and I carry myself with confidence. What can I do when I overhear other girls making catty remarks at my expense?
20/20 Hearing

Dear 20/20,
I’m sorry it took me a while to answer your letter. I had to wait for your note to waft down from your high horse and float down here to reality. Now, I would suggest that you take a moment and have a talk with those girls. They’re probably making fun of you because it makes them feel better about themselves. This is a great tactic to raise your self-esteem! My advice is to go sit on a park bench outside of your local psychiatrist’s office and make fun of those much crazier and uglier than you.  You'll feel like a million bucks in no time and you can thank me later. 

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I have an extremely rude co-worker. This individual plays his music at a loud volume, eats tuna for lunch everyday, and is constantly carrying on personal conversations with his girlfriend. Do I confront him? What are your tips on handling this situation?
Fed Up

Dear Fed,
This is a tricky situation that should be handled with the utmost aplomb. And by aplomb, I mean you should order a pair of my specially trained Guatemalan fighting frogs to put an end to the matter.

Dear Jamiepolitan,
I have a friend who constantly gossips about me!  For instance, when I got my new promotion, she spread the rumor that I had to sleep with my boss to get it.  And when I moved into my awesome new house, she ruined my house-warming party by telling everyone that the house used to be a dominatrix dungeon and some of the people were still tied up in the basement.  I'm getting married next year and I'm afraid of what she'll do next.  What do I do? 
Talked About

Dear Talked About,
First things first:  Begin by grabbing a science book.  Secondly, you need to realize that the world doesn't actually revolve around you.  Now that we have that out of the way, I can't blame her for being annoyed with you because, judging from your letter, you're kind of a tool.  All you talked about was your great new job and fabulous new house.  In fact, I actually plan on talking about you at the next party I attend.  I mean, I totally just heard that the only reason your fiance proposed was so you would stop making death threats against his mother.  And you really used to be a dude?  I suppose that would clear up the confusion from your hairy Sasquatch hands...

Dear Jamiepolitan,
My boss is about to buy her fourth miniature Dachshund puppy. I thought it would be nice if those of us in the office pitched in to throw her a “Puppy Shower.” How should I word the invitations?
Puppy Love

Dear Dog,
Word them however you can in between the bits of poo that will inevitably be flung at you by your co-workers.  You should get together with Sasquatch hands.  I hear has an army of small dogs that she uses to serve cocktails at her dominatrix parties.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Poor People Deserve Fun, Too

It’s Labor Day weekend and for most folks, this end of summer celebration includes trips on boats, backyard BBQ’s, and other activities that begin with the letter “b.”  For some of us, however, it’s really just another weekend of not doing a whole lot due to the large amount of zeroes in our checking account (the ones before the comma.  Not after.)  This sucks, but one thing that being poor will do is leave you with a lot of time to think about the things you could be doing if you had any money and then figure out how to do those same things for free.  So, in the spirit of thriftiness, my list of things to do when you’re broke and tired of writing snarky blogs about being poor:
1.  Spy on your neighbors.  You would be amazed at what the McGuillicuttys are doing next door if you would just stop being such a prude and peek out your blinds once in a while.  Whether you’re watching your neighbor’s car get repossessed, taking a gawk at the police stand-off going on in your parking lot (true story) or postulating as to the possible marijuana growing operation next door (those people are NEVER there…but the lights are ALWAYS on!) this activity is totally free!  Plus, you’re really doing the community a favor by keeping an eye on the older couple across the street because I’m fairly certain they’re operating a brothel in their basement. 
2.  Another fun, free activity is people-watching.  Since you’re not going to the mall to actually buy anything, you might as well grab a bench and watch the human fishbowl that is humanity.  Pick out someone and make up his back story.  Try to figure out why the couple window-shopping at Kirkland’s is fighting (my guess? The girl has terrible taste.  A zebra lamp?  Oh honey, no.) And of course, finding someone who could stand a few more minutes in the mirror is always fun because you can make fun of THAT person while feeling better about YOUR person.  Turn it into an afternoon scavenger hunt – first person to find a mullet, a fanny-pack, a NASCAR shirt, and something with fringe wins whatever change you can scoop out of the wishing fountain in front of Claire’s. 
3.  Perhaps one of my favorite “being poor” activities is camping.  I like to say that I’m “outdoorsy” but really, I’m just “outdoorsy” because the only hotel room I can afford is a tent.  Camping is the ultimate poor person’s vacation, as it’s pretty much life as usual, it’s just happening outside.  Sleeping on the ground by the interstate?  Not cool.  Sleeping on the ground on top of an apparent rock farm?  Camping, my friend.  Pooping behind a McDonald’s?  Not okay.  Pooping in a hole you had to dig yourself far away (you hope) from any poison ivy and/or venomous bugs?  Camping. 
4.  Drive down Dickerson Road at night and play, “Spot that Felony.”  Different points will be awarded for different crimes – prostitutes are one point, unless they’re wearing an animal print, then you get double points.  A witnessed drug deal nets 2 points, and the crown jewel of them all, armed robbery?  5 points!  Combinations of any of these crimes may be awarded appropriate points based on input from all players.  If, for some reason, all of these crimes are happening at once, a total of up to 10 points may be awarded based on gun caliber, height of the hooker’s heels, and the controlled substance in question. 
5.  Finally, my favorite free activity is sarcasm.  Sarcasm is totally free and since it can have the ability to alienate people, it can actually make it cheaper to host a party.  Make fun of those around you, mock them, prey on their weaknesses!  Once you’ve insulted almost everyone you know, Christmas is a breeze because you don’t have to buy those pesky gifts everyone gets excited about.  And birthday dinner celebrations?  Invitations to those go out the window the minute you start in on your friend, Katie, and that horrible lisp of hers.   So whip out those smartass remarks the next time a friend of yours says something dumb.  You’ll thank me later when you don’t get invited to their next dog-painting party.