Thursday, June 14, 2012

7 Deadly Sins...The Updated Version

Move over, Brad Pitt.  I’ve decided we need a revamp of the 7 Deadly Sins, Angry Curl style.  Living in the world of food trucks and a shirtless Matthew McConaughey takes gluttony and lust to a completely different, totally worth it, level of sin.  And let’s face it – sloth?  Might as well be renamed “laying around on the couch and watching football all day.”  And I’ll be damned if I’m not going to do that.  So, as I tend to do, I decided we need new rules for society.  You know.  To weed out the dummies.

1.  Greed  Inability to be punctual   I’m replacing greed with dumbasses who can’t tell time because they ARE greedy.  Of my time.  Working in radio has allowed me to realize that you can put a price tag on time and when you’re wasting mine, I’m not happy.  Buy a watch and stop with the whole, “Oh, I’m always late.  That’s just how I am!” excuse.  It’s not cute.  It’s stupid.  Somebody a long time ago put a lot of effort into figuring out how to tell time.  I don’t know this person’s name, but I’m sure he’d be insulted by the flagrant  disregard of his work.  This whole annoyance really stems from the fact that I rushed home a couple of weeks ago and furiously cleaned the house for a last-minute showing, only to sit in the parking lot with three rather confused felines for an hour and 15 minutes…then realize that I had gotten stood up by a realtor.  Their excuse?  They got “sidetracked.”  Screw you and the fact that I’m now sweating like a lady of the night in a religious institution (and cursing like one that’s about to get struck by lightning.)  You got sidetracked?  Sidetrack this.* 
*Note: author is currently holding up one very important finger.  I’ll let you decipher which one. 

2.  Sloth  Using Bad Grammar.  I chose to replace sloth with bad grammar because if you can’t properly use “your” or “you’re” in a sentence, you’re obviously too lazy to look it up somewhere.  We live in the age of Google, people!  It’s not like you have to drag yourself to the library, sort through a card catalog, and then figure out the Dewey decimal system these days.  It’s just a few clicks away.  While you’re at it, check out the section about their/there/they’re.  Interesting stuff, I tell ya!  The all caps effect fits into this category as well, because if you’re too lazy to hit the shift button once in a while, I’m too lazy to read your shouty message that’s probably lame anyway. 

3.  Gluttony  Being Extreme Couponers.  Now, before you think, “Um, Jamie, don’t YOU use coupons?” please know that I’m not against using coupons to keep a bit of that hard-earned greenery in your bank account.  The folks that I’m angry with are the crazy people on that extreme coupon show that have ruined it for the rest of us.  Thanks to those dick weeds, stores are cracking down on their coupon policy and making it extremely difficult for those of us who just want to save a few bucks at the store and not stockpile shampoo for our World War III bunker.  Never did I set out to get 8 carts of stuff for $3.  I just want the satisfaction of showing a receipt to someone and saying, “Look!  I saved $18 with a few pieces of paper!  That’s like a free case of beer!”

4.  Pride  Talking because you like the sound of your own voice.  If you’ve ever been in a work meeting that’s running a bit late only to have it run even later due to someone’s over-explanation of something that probably contains an acronym, you understand my pain.  This sin also applies to people who tell overly-long, overly-complicated stories at parties and social functions, most graduation speeches, and Kanye West. 

5.  Wrath  Inventing individually-wrapped chicken breasts.  I’m replacing wrath with this travesty because that’s the only emotion I feel when I open these stupid things.  Attempting to eat less meat that’s higher quality means going organic.  And a lot of the times the only organic chicken option is the one with each chicken breast sealed in its own little package…within another package.  I find it amusing that the organic, therefore seemingly-better-for-the-environment meat is using up WAY more packaging than its hormone-eating counterparts.  I understand that touching chicken isn’t the most pleasant experience for some people, but that’s ridiculous.  If you can’t touch it, don’t eat it.  If more people would experience their food, maybe we could stop eating this crap that McDonald’s passes off as sustenance and gain some insight into our food supply.  And the argument of "but what if I don't want the whole package?" is null because that's why sandwich bags were invented.  How we lived hundreds of years without packaged chicken breasts, I'll never know.  
Side Note:  Sorry for the tangent.  Food is a pretty big deal to me.  *Steps off soap box.* 

6.  Envy   Being completely irresponsible.  I’m using this to replace envy because I am truly envious of people who just don’t give a flying rat’s dirty parts about life.  It must be so easy to be incredibly stupid.  When I say “irresponsible” I mean, “these people are making bad life choices and making my life harder in the meantime.”  For instance, the asshats who bought a house they couldn’t afford and then just decided they didn’t want to pay for anymore?  The reason our house will sell sometime near 2045 for what will probably be still less than what we owe.  The guy who decides he doesn’t want his leftover mess from Taco Bell?  Just tosses it in the street.  Who cares?  He surely doesn’t!  The lady who doesn’t feel like walking 4 feet to return a shopping cart to the little cart corral thing?  Don’t worry – it won’t hit YOUR car.  You’re leaving!  People who go through the effort of collecting their recycling, driving it to the recycling center, and then leaving it in a plastic bag BESIDE THE RECYCLING BIN?  Somewhat responsible, yet lacking in execution.  I guess my point is that I in no way want to judge people’s lifestyles…as long as that lifestyle doesn’t affect MY lifestyle.  But when I’m having to pick up your 8 packets of hot sauce and half of a leftover burrito from my yard, that’s when I get a bit testy and I think you should be punished.  Preferably in a manner that includes  Limp Bizkit at loud volumes and a large amount of Super Glue. 

7.  Lust  Being the Black Eyed Peas  That’s right.  It’s now a sin to be the Black Eyed Peas.  Between the incontinence of Fergie, that one song of theirs that sounds like an Outback Steakhouse commercial (“I Gotta Feeling” I believe it’s called) and the atrocity that was last year’s Super Bowl performance (best Facebook comment from that night?  “The Black Eyed Peas are Rothlisbergering my ears right now.”  Props, Eric.  Props.)  Beside the fact that our lexicon has been littered with such words as “ferglicious” and that “Lady Lumps” song even exists, they (especially Fergie and her solo "career") suck. has WAY too much punctuation in his name and I don’t even know who the other two are because that’s all the brain space I’m willing to give to this “band.”  I think I could make better music by farting into a tin can.