Monday, October 25, 2010

A Rant...and a Few Raves!

I know you’ve all been suffering cold chills and insuppressible stomach cramps from a lack of my writing lately, and I apologize for that.  It’s not a sincere apology by any means, but it’s the apathetic thought that counts.  Right?  And now, with no further fanfare cleverly hidden in a “header,” are more things that annoy me!

  1. Couples who share a Facebook page.  If Facebook wasn’t free, I would totally be on board with this.  The thing is – it costs NOTHING.  These couples usually fill their status updates with lots of little hearts and phrases that are TyPeD LiKe ThIs!  Firstly, you’re a complete moron if you think that you’re cute.  You’re not.  You’re co-dependant.  Secondly, don’t you need a break from each other?  Does your husband really care about a string of pictures taken from the album, “This Weekend at Da Club!” that involves nothing more than a series of pictures taken by one of the subjects, so you see a lot of arm and three and a half faces over and over again?    Or you see “Group Shot at Dinner” and “Group Shot on Stage, Y’all!” or “Group Shot Stumbling into a Taxi at the End of the Night.”  I’m guilty of this, yes.  But Travis?  Completely uninterested.  Kind of like I could care less about his Star Wars Fan Page and his “Stalking Sarah Jessica Parker” app.  Take a stand and get your own Facebook page before I stab one of you…preferably the one of you I friended in the first place.
  2. Those people who stand in the middle of
    Bell Road
    in orange vests and demand money.  These are fully-grown people holding out buckets, high-school-road-block style and asking for my spare change.  My question to these people is, “Who ARE you?”  Are they really smart pan-handlers who have accosted a road crew?  Are they a group of rogue prisoners attempting to make enough money to cross the border?  Are they a lonely group of cyclists who have lost their cycles?  Whatever the reason, I refuse to give you money just because you stand in an intersection with a bucket and make me feel uncomfortable.  Dance around and act a fool all you like – my change will be going to a lone downtown parking meter that will expire before I can get back to my car and leave me with a parking ticket, anyway.  At least I know what criminal is on the receiving end of my change that way. 
  3. Anyone who walks into a sit-down restaurant and sits down.  Without the help of a hostess.  A hostess is there for one reason – to keep a semblance of order in what can become a quite chaotic environment.  I’ve worked in restaurants for going on 11 years and I know what I’m doing.  When I sit you on the right side of the room, there is a method to my madness.  And my method is laziness.  You see, that’s the side I’ve been sitting people on all night.  These causes all the mess to be on one side of the room, which cuts my time spent vacuuming in half!  I’m not working hard – I’m working smart.  With very, very dumb people.  And when you say things like, “Can you hurry?  I’m really hungry”  you should know that I don’t give a flying piece of pepperoni pizza.  If you’re hungry, maybe you should have gone to McDonald’s and not a place that says, on the menu, that some items may take up to 30 minutes.  I won’t be offended if you leave.  I’ll probably get the same tip either way – a lot of nothing – and it will save me further vacuuming time.  And finally, for the love of all that is holy, just leave a tip.  If you can afford that cute, American Apparel hipster sweater and a stupid faux hawk that sets off your skinny jeans, then you can afford to give a server wearing Goodwill jeans and a stained t-shirt at least 15%...but 20% is preferred. 
Oh, and while I thought I was done, I have one more thing to add:  if you’re not from the South and you so much as try to make fun of my accent, or the fact that I just said, “y’all,” I will cut you with the dullest pizza wheel in the kitchen.  But then again, you’re not the sharpest wheel in the drawer in the first place, are you?

And now, a change of pace for once, as I also have a list of things that make me indescribably happy!
  1. The Hickory Hollow Kia woman.  I know this woman is completely annoying, but how can one not love a towering giant of a woman who could eat her husband in one bite saying things like, “I think they liked my driving lesson just a little bit better than yours.  Just sayin.”  I mean, come ON!  This family is comedic gold!  The children are going to grow up to give Lindsay Lohan a run for her money, the husband obviously feels inadequate (in several departments, I’m guessing,) and that woman is a freakishly-dressed giant!  They’re hilariously dumb and quite frankly, make me feel a bit better about myself.  
  2. The guy dressed in the gold suit in front of the Gold Rush (or one of those gold stores) on
    Nolensville Road
    .  Now, I’ll admit the first “Dancing Gold Man,” as I affectionately refer to him, stole my heart.  His dance moves were unparalleled and his spirit was infectious.  The new guy just stands there in a gold pimp suit in hopes that someone will risk driving down
    Nolensville Road
    with a large amount of gold to sell. 
  3. Game shows.  Be it Wheel of Fortune, the $10,000 Pyramid, or the Price is Right, I love them all.  I really love the older game shows, because they show exactly how racist and sexist we used to be as a culture – and how we showcased that to the world via Match Game (don’t believe me?  Give it a look.  Completely inappropriate!)  I personally like to fantasize about being able to run around on the sets after-hours and have full access to all of the games (especially the Plinko board from the Price is Right.  I would move that into my living room if I could.)  And who doesn’t want to pretend like the Wheel of Fortune wheel is a merry-go-round?  Sometimes I want a studio audience to echo an obvious answer in life, just like they do on Family Feud.  Other days I want a jukebox and a trip to Bermuda for correctly guessing the price of Band-Aids.  And then some days I’m content to make fun of the people who are obviously morons and will go home and watch their failed performance repeatedly while rocking back and forth and muttering, “I knew I should have picked case #3.  I knew it.”