Monday, February 27, 2012

A Girl on a Diet Gets Annoyed Easily


Realizing I haven’t polluted the Internet with any of my cursed ramblings in a while, I have a few free minutes and intend to remedy this fact.  And I intend to include mild profanity, a modicum of sheer rage, and a sprinkling of sarcasm.  Okay, probably a lot of sarcasm, but who’s counting?  Actually a better question might be, “Who’s actually reading this?”  And so I bring yet another, “Stuff that Annoys the Crap Outta Me” to the world.  Because the world needs more pessimism.  And since this is Day 15 of my lovely, self-induced diet, the world also needs more "totally fat free but still taste delicious" varieties of cheeses.  

1.     Technology.  Since when did it become acceptable to completely ignore the people with whom you’re sharing company to see what these very same people are doing on Facebook?  Call me an old-fashioned 30-year-old, but that shit needs to stop.  With a quickness.  A quick text?  Fine.  Quickly looking up an answer to solve an escalating argument between friends?  Completely acceptable (1954 was the only year between ’49 and ’58 in which the Yankees did not appear in the World Series, in case you’re wondering.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  But obviously scrolling through people’s newsfeeds while you’re in the company of people who care enough to, you know, get up off their couch, put on socially-acceptable clothing, and hang out with you is complete horse poo. 
Let’s recap:  tweeting a funny picture of your friend falling down at the bar: encouraged.  Chatting with your best friend from third grade about the deplorable conditions of the bar floor: social idiocy. 
2.     Yellow vehicles.  Anyone over the age of 25 shouldn’t drive a yellow car unless that person works for Yellow Cab.  Otherwise you just invite the deserved stereotype of being a complete douche bag with an extensive collection of Ed Hardy t-shirts and empty liquor bottles adorning the top of your kitchen cabinetry.  Another exception to this rule would be females driving VW bugs.  I’m not a total fan, but I’ll let it slide, as long as you have a flower on the dashboard. 
3.     Complicated cocktails.  The older I get (also annoying: people saying, “The older I get…”) the more I realize that the more time spent making the cocktail equals less time consuming the cocktail.  That’s why, in the spirit of ease and Don Draper himself, I now enjoy a fine glass of whiskey on the rocks with the uninhibited abandon one can only earn while she laughs at the people still at the bar as the bartender looks for a bottle of Apple Pucker.  It’s classy.  It’s lower in calories.  And it can make you look like a total badass in mixed company. 
4.     The new trend of posting poster-like pictures on Facebook walls.  Stuff like, “It’s not how far you go – it’s about the journey” (these are usually on a background of clouds with some doves or streaming sunlight.)  Or “A true man loves the girl you are – curves and all” (this is usually accompanied by an airbrushed photo of Kim Kardashian – more on her in a moment.)  Anyway, I think this is a by-product of Pinterest, which really sucks, because I genuinely like Pinterest.  But the bumper stickers clouding my feed are unnecessary, clich├ęd, and often stupid.  Now, pictures of mullets and funny personalized license plates, obviously, are not included in this category. 
5.     Kim Kardashian.  I know the fact that she’s getting divorced is old news, but I genuinely had to let myself calm down a bit before I wrote something that would probably place me on several lists, including the “could very well be a threat to national security” one.  How on EARTH do spend several MILLION dollars on a wedding, while we’re in a recession, and then say, “You know what?  I don’t think this is going to work.”  Go screw yourself, Kim.  Seriously.  I am ashamed you even live in this country (is this going to keep my record from being played on country radio stations for the next few years?)  You’re a media whore with too much money and absolutely no talent (except screwing athletes and spending exorbitant amounts of money on what amounted to an ostentatious party.)  Oh, and your ex-husband is a complete idiot.  Did you even listen to him speak before he slipped that rock on your finger?  Oh wait – I forgot that you can’t hear much due to the sound-deafening qualities of your ever-expanding head.  So here’s to you, Kim – you embody almost everything that is wrong with this country.  And a few things that aren’t, but should be. 
6.     The fact that the Oxford comma seems to be disappearing.  I know things evolve, it’s the nature of our being.  But when I spend the first 30 years of my life thinking that a series of three items needs to be separated like this, this, and this and then someone tells me it’s actually this, this and this?  Well, my brain goes a bit haywire because, as I’ve said, I’ve done it like this for 30. F’ing. Years.  I have enough to keep track of in my life – when is my house going to sell?  Where did I park my car?  When’s the last time I washed my underwear? – without having to keep up with the changing grammatical rules of a generation that considers “LOL” to be proper communication. 

I was going to attempt a rather short list of things that make me happy to even out the pessimism exhibited above.  But, over the weekend, I realized that chronic optimists ALSO annoy me, so to avoid any chance to irritating myself, I’m just leaving this list as-is, and full of the rantings and ravings of a girl on a diet and therefore in a very, very bad mood for going on 15 days now.