So I finally broke down and decided to get a legitimate blog instead of posting crazed ramblings on Facebook (that sound you hear is the collective sigh of relief from my 19.5 Facebook friends. Two of whom I'm convinced are actually wandering cattle from Farmville.) I'm crazy bad at anything technological, so excuse the basicness of this blog. Also excuse my use of words like "basicness." To kick off my new blog in style I've decided to post about what else? Things and people that annoy the utter crap out of me. Aren't you lucky??
1. YouTube. If I have to watch that asinine "Dad's Life" video one more time, I'm going to write a PG-13 rap about gouging my own eyes out. It was funny the first time. The second time? Not so bad. But by the 8th time that I was forced to watch it while someone stood over my shoulder and said, "Wait. This part's the best!" I was done. 9 times out of 10, the video is funny to the person who recommends it. And no one else. And when you sit there and watch me watch the video you've just forwarded to me, I get really f'ing annoyed. Annoyed by the fact that I'm forced to watch some stupid baby dance or some chipmunk look surprised or that Chocolate Rain kid (that one's actually kind of funny. But you didn't hear me say that.) My life is being taken from me in 2:47 increments and I'm not happy about it. Perhaps the worst offense of YouTube, however, is the fact that these stupid videos have the power to bring a cocktail party to a halt while 15 of your closest friends huddle around a computer screen in order to see Miss South Carolina wax poetic about The Iraq. But wait! What's this on the side bar? Other morons who have enjoyed this video also watched these other idiotic videos! Let's check those out while our the lasagna bolognese gets cold and our host's eyes roll back into her head. So, feel free to go ahead and cry your eyes out about that lion or that "PSA" about running people over while you're texting. I'm going to watch my bottle of vodka disappear into a vat of tonic and subsequently my gullet. And lookie there. According to the bottle, people who drink vodka tonics may also enjoy a dry martini. Oh the possibilities!
2. M. Night Shyamalan can suck it. I get it. Your movies have a twist, which is exactly what you're going to need to do to my arm to get me to watch one of these cinematic monstrosities. "The 6th Sense" was tolerable and I'll admit to semi-liking "Signs." But "The Village" made me want to don a yellow robe and stab our friend Mr. Shyamalan. And whose middle name is "Night?" People who make crappy movies, that's who. That way, people can be focused on pronouncing your name on not on the fact that they just spent $9.00 and two hours in a dark room with germ-laden freaks to find out the entire thing was a hoax in the middle of some state park (yes, that was a spoiler. Please feel free to not follow my blog any longer because if you actually have plans to watch "The Village" then we're going to have problems anyway.)
3. Anyone who says, "the book was waaay better" when watching a movie. I'm listing this because I realized recently that I've done this on multiple occasions (see? I can make fun of myself. A little.) I realize that most offenders simply want the fact that they actually read be known to the group gathered around for the movie. I also realize this is extremely obnoxious. It's like saying, "The sand at Palm Springs is waaaay whiter" while you're kicking young children out of your way in the kiddie pool at Wave Country. Yes. I am sure there are brighter pastures out there to be explored, oh conceited one, but let's not bring those things up while we're all mired in the stupidity that is "The Firm" shall we? So, to help rid society of this nagging problem, I'm biting my tongue. But just so you know. I've read "The Shawshank Redemption," "Fight Club," and "Memoirs of a Geisha." You've been warned.
4. The "I've Just Been on Vacation, Took a LOT of Pictures, and Now I'm Posting All of Them on Facebook!" people: I don't mind that you want to post pictures of yourself having way more fun than any of your friends. It helps take the edge off of easing back into a work-saturated reality that you just escaped for a week plus it gives you a chance to gloat that no one else in your 498 friends went swimming with the dolphins in Mexico or fed their arm to a large polar bear in Alaska. But can we edit a little bit? I will admit to looking at your photos as a way to escape MY work-saturated reality so if you could spare me the 34 pictures of your hotel room, I'd appreciate it. I don't need 18 shots of the water with the caption, "The water was so clear!" Now, if your cruise ship happened upon a raft of Cuban refugees who boarded the ship and proceeded to do a musical dance number on the main deck, please post pictures. Otherwise, pick out the ones where you look skinny and tanned (but not drunk yet) and post away! Included in this are people who post multiple shots from an aquarium or concert. Blurry fish and bright lights do not an interested Facebook stalker make, my friends.
5. Basil Marceaux. You have made a mockery of Tennessee for long enough. If you're going to be a complete idiot representing a state, may I suggest you start doing sit-ups and move to New Jersey? We have enough problems with all these guns we now allow in bars so I'd appreciate it if you'd take your incoherent political babble to another state. If I am forced to watch 3 minutes of your rambling on YouTube, I'm coming after you. I will rip off your arm and feed it to a polar bear while forcing you to watch "Unbreakable." And I'll post every single picture on Facebook.