Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Annoyances: Updated 10/11/11

I realized the other day while I was attempting to kill the last 6 hours of the work day be productive that I haven’t written down all the things that are annoying me in life lately.  And since I’m just positive this omission has been annoying YOU, I’m putting it out there again.  Stuff that bugs me.  And at least one item I’m questioning. 
Stuff that Annoys Me:
1.  Beer savers.  I saw a link for
these a while back and thought to myself, “Who has a bunch of open beer just sitting around not being consumed?”  I’ll tell you who.  Morons.  It’s 12 ounces, people.  I’m not asking you to shotgun a yard of beer at your next backyard BBQ.  Man up and drink the rest of your beverage.  If you can’t finish it, find someone who hasn’t been castrated and ask nicely if they will finish it for you. 
2.  People who just stop in the road when they get pulled over by the police.  There’s a reason it’s called “getting pulled over.”  And that’s because you’re supposed to pull over and not simply stop in your lane.  Now what you’ve done is do something illegal to get pulled over initially AND you’ve brought down your fellow travelers with you by making them navigate your stupidity in the middle of lunch rush.  I wasn’t the one texting while driving, but now I can because traffic is at a standstill due to Nolensville Road being reduced to 75% of a lane while Officer Friendly writes you a ticket that you probably can’t read.  Parking lots are named that for a reason – you can park in them.  Turn on your flashers, slow down, and pull out of oncoming traffic.  I’m sure the officer will thank you when he can get out of his vehicle without being run down by meth-fueled guy in a tractor trailer.
3.  People who look like they live in a beer commercial on Facebook.  We get it.  You’re young.  You’re hip.  You actually have that elusive “disposable income” I’ve been in search of for the past few years.  It’s not that I don’t want you to have fun – I just don’t want to see it.  When I see beer commercials while sitting in a pair of pants that has more holes than fabric while cradling a glass of $4.99-a-bottle red wine, I can sometimes comfort myself into thinking, “Pffft.  No one actually lives like that.”  And fancy people showing off on Facebook by having fun with well-dressed, semi-attractive people every weekend makes me think the worst:  that people actually DO live like that.  I then proceed to try to find reruns of Intervention so I can at least console myself that I’m not addicted to huffing keyboard cleaner while simultaneously trying to remember the last time actually I wore high heels to go to a bar (hint?  It’s been a while.  This one learned her lesson from one too many barefoot stumbles down Broadway.)  So keep you fun activities to yourself while I go create a photo album called, “A Weekend with the Cats: Friday and Saturday Nights with Old Age.”
4.  Self-righteous Facebook status updates.  I understand that some jobs are very important.  We need people like Officer Friendly patrolling the streets for dumb asses who don’t know how to pull over.  We need doctors and nurses to tend to our hot-tub-induced head wounds.  And we need teachers to make sure that not all of our kids turn out to be idiots who don’t know how to properly pull over for a traffic stop.  But can we stop the whole, “I get to work at 6am.  I clean up the elephant poop.  I light stuff on fire and force tigers to jump through it.  Repost if you’re proud to be a circus animal hygienist!” updates?  Everyone’s job sucks.  If it didn’t, it would be called fun.  So let’s just unsaddle that high horse of yours and come back down here to the rest of the minions with non-important jobs such as a radio sales assistant. 
Okay.  Enough of the bad – let’s move on to the good!  Stuff that makes me happy:
1.  Dresses with pockets.  Normally I don’t actually use the pockets – I just like to walk around with my hands in my pockets so other ladies say, “Ooh!  Your dress has pockets?  So jealous!”  When I do get a chance to utilize my pockets, it’s usually when I’m hiding my switchblade while sneaking up on an unsuspecting hooker.  They really are a win-win for me, and I would raise a glass in their honor if I could bring myself to take my hands out of my awesome dress pockets. 
2.  The fact that Dairy Queen serves its chicken strips with GRAVY.  Gravy, people.  Fat, flour, and milk combined to make a fattening topping of awesome!  I know they’ve done this for years, as the DQ at exit 287 off I-40 was a frequent stop during my trips to and from Knoxville.  It’s been ages since I’ve actually indulged in the chicken and gravy, but I saw the commercial the other day and I had to give props to the ‘Q for taking chicken to a whole ‘nother level.  Honey mustard?  Ranch?  Screw you.  Pass that gravy.  That tasty, tasty gravy. 
On-the-Fence Items:
1.  I really only have one of these and it has to do with trial run of a tinted facial moisturizer.  I got selected to try a new moisturizer from Loreal.  “Free face lotion?  Sign me up!” I thought to myself as I hurriedly signed up to be a lab rat for a giant cosmetics corporation.  Little did I know that this stuff was to arrive in a generic white tube labeled, “Face makeup” and that the instructions told me to put it on with MY EYES CLOSED.  While I attempted to think of a girl in her right mind who applies anything to her face without the aid of a mirror, lo and behold, the second day’s instructions told me to put it on without the help of a mirror.  When I wasn’t pondering, “What exactly is the difference?” I was trying to think of a good reason to put this stuff on without the aid of sight.   So, the on-the-fence portion of this discussion inherently comes with the age old argument of “Free Moisturizer v/s Danger of Looking like Snooki and Not Knowing It Because You Aren’t Allowed to Use a Mirror.”  The week is still young, but I guarantee you’ll know the results by the next “things that annoy me and things that don’t” blog.  Aren’t you excited?? 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

It's a Poor Pop Quiz. It's a Porp Quiz!

I do believe it kind of snuck up on me but, as the realization of this never-ending recession is slowly dawning on our rapidly-deteriorating checkbook, I’ve discovered that I’m a bit light in the wallet lately.  I blame a lot of things, including the rising price of gasoline, the decline of the American dollar, and the fact that hipsters have invaded Goodwill stores nationwide totally willing to pay $8 for a used dress.  (Thanks for that.  Really.)  Anyway, it hit me that I never really defined the moment I became poor, it just sort of…happened.  So, with that in mind, I have come up with a foolproof way of determining if you’re sitting pretty at the top of a heap of money, or suffocating mercilessly amid empty Natty Light cans and several pairs of moth-ridden socks.
1.  Go to the kitchen.  Look in your fridge.  You see:         
     a.  A gallon of milk, some lunch meat, and a three bottles of wine
     b.  Some leftovers in an aluminum swan (probably steak.  Or shrimp.  Or steak made out of shrimp.)
     c.  A bottle of mustard, some olives, and…um…yeah.  That’s about it  
     d.  I sold my fridge to buy food.  Then had no place to put the leftovers 
2.  Have you done any of these activities?  Circle all that apply:      
       a.  Used coupons
       b.  Murdered a store clerk because she didn’t double your coupons
       c.  Stolen someone’s shoes.  Not for the label
       d.  “Broken” into your neighbor’s house to use their microwave.  (What?  Ours was broken)
       e.  Re-chewed gum (yours)
       f.  Re-chewed gum (someone else’s)
       g.  Tied your children to a tree in lieu of childcare
3.  You’re walking in the park and spot a $5 bill on the ground.  You:       
        a.  Look around, see no one’s looking, bend over to pretend to tie your shoe, and bam.  Snatch that shiz
        b.  Pick it up.  Buy a Contributor.  Tell the guy to keep the change
        c.  Immediately chastise yourself for not checking the hooker’s pockets before you dragged her through the park.  
         d.  Stop taking this quiz because you realize there might be $5 in a park somewhere
4.  Pick the celebrity best suited to play you in a movie:         
         a.  Seth Rogen  
         b.  Donald Trump
         c.  Owen Wilson
         d.  That crazy guy with the stick that hangs out under the 4th Ave. bridge 
5.  How many pieces of furniture in your house came from a thrift store or yard sale?     
     a.  None.  Unless you count IKEA as a yard sale with meatballs
     b.  2.  My sister gave me first pick of her stuff a coupla years back
     c.  4-6.  I’ve supplemented my basics with some funky thrift store finds
     d.  Yard sale?  My couch is an abandoned mattress and our end tables are upside down trash cans.  Who has money for yard sales?
6.  Describe your last vacation:    
    a.  We took a nice trip to Percy Priest lake.  We floated on a Styrofoam cooler and drank the leftovers out of abandoned 40’s on the shore
    b.  We got a DUI in Florida so we could be on the beach.  Picking up trash.
    c.  We built skis out of some old pallets, waited for a snowfall, and raced down mountains of trash at the dump
   d.  Our last vacation involved a game we call “I-40 Bingo.”  Hop on a truck and see where it takes you!  I wound up in Poughkeepsie, but Travis got dumped off at a truck stop in Cousin Love, Mississippi  
   e.  We screamed at each other in French while eating cheese in front of the Batman Building.  Who needs the Eiffel Tower?
7.  What electronics do you own?  Circle all the apply:     
      a.  Plasma TV
      b.  Plasma TV you didn’t donate plasma to buy
      c.  Potato masher
      d.  Flip camera
      e.  Shoe horn
      g.  A portable notepad computer
      h.  A portable notepad (college-ruled)
Question #1:
  If you answered (a) or (b) go away.  You have money for actual food and I can’t hear what you’re saying over the rumbling of my stomach.  If you answered (c) or (d) then good job at the whole being broke thing we’ve got going on. 
Question #2:  If you circled more than 2, welcome to the poor club!  If you murdered a clerk, then welcome to the poor club on Death Row.  The only thing separating the two clubs is a rap sheet and a very thin, very gray moral line. 
Question #3:  If you picked (b) then good for you.  You’re an idiot.  If you answered (c) you’re also an idiot, as the first rule of “Hooker Club” is always check the pockets of the hooker you just killed.  Especially in a park.  You know she just made some money in those public restrooms by the monkey bars. 
Question #4:  Wow, still reading, huh?  Congratulations.  If you picked any of the answers, then you shouldn’t be poor because some is actually making a movie about your life.  So just stop reading.  You incite both disgust and innate jealousy in me. 
Question #5:  If you answered (a) – good.  I don’t need any more competition.  Answer (b) more your speed?  Good job.  A long-term strategy of mine has been quietly insulting my sister’s things until she convinces herself to get rid of them.  Right into the arms of her greedy yet thrifty younger sister.  
Question #6:  You probably turned up your nose at all of these vacation alternatives.  And to that I say, “Pass the safety vest.  Big Mama’s taking a chance on a Tyson truck.  I-40 Bingo FTW!” 
Question #7:  I would give you a quarter for sticking around to the end of this thing, but really?  I need that quarter to ward off Mr. Crazy Eyes at 4th Avenue.  I think his stick’s getting longer.