1. Pink. Little Miss “I’m not going to adhere to the rules of society and I’m way cooler than any other pop star” is a fake. You can rock your short hair and swing around on a trapeze all you want, but when your lyrics include “Don’t get fancy, just get dancy” I’m calling shenanigans on your badass-ness. Your husband? Hot and covered in tattoos. (Note: So is mine.) Your delusions of going against the grain and doing your own thing in the music business? Ludicrous. Just release your inner Britney and attack someone with an umbrella. THAT’S rebellion, Pink. Take some notes.
2. Speaking of “celebrities” let’s talk about celebrity exhaustion. I’m fairly sure the last time I got overwhelmed by every day stuff like going to work and paying my ever-increasing water bill I did one of two things: 1. Drank a bottle of wine or 2. Drank another bottle of wine. “Exhaustion” is another thing I’m calling shenanigans on as it should really go by its actual moniker: adulthood. Welcome to it, asshats. Welcome to the world of having a job! And responsibilities! And a strong urge to strangle the person in front of you at the store that says, “Will you just give me a minute? I forgot to get bread. Back in just a second!” You’re not exhausted – you’re a major p***y. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to reflect on this fact while you’re sipping “prescription” sparkling water and getting “therapeutic” massages as part of your “treatment.”
3. Windshield Memorials. I understand that death is a part of society and I in no way mean to downplay the grief felt at the passing of a loved one. But memorializing this person on the back windshield of your 2007 Dodge Ram is a bit unnecessary and will wreak what I can only assume will be havoc on the Kelly Blue Book value. I’m sure that Kevon McGriffy III certainly will R.I.P. knowing that the commuters behind you on I-24 are armed with the knowledge that he lived from 1982 – 2009 and that you’ve adorned the years with angel wings.
4. Preachy billboards. Living in the South, these are fairly commonplace, especially in more rural areas. They’re usually very black and white (much like morality!) and are threatening that you’re going to hell for…something. Some just list the Ten Commandments (often these have to be broken into 2 billboards) and some say things like, “REPENT, SINNER!” with hellacious flames at the bottom. I actually shouldn’t say that they annoy me, per se, as I find them kind of amusing, especially on road trips through the boonies, but really. Let’s take them down and replace them with something useful. Like the length of the wait time at the nearest ER.
And now, to complete your Memorial Day weekend cynicism, are some things that make me happy:
1. My parents found their cat! “I didn’t know the cat was missing” you might be thinking to yourself. Well, never worry because the cat was found, safe and sound, in a beaver trap. You see, cat food was placed in the trap to lure the beavers (please be assured that I’m aware of the innuendos that are inherent in this little rant) and the cat was understandably interested by the thought of cat food in a box near a creek (beavers, cats, and boxes. I can’t even begin to tell you my delight in all of these unintentionally-placed jokes.) ANYWAY, the fact that the cat was found made me happy. The fact that the cat was found in a beaver trap sent me over the edge into blissful oblivion.
2. The fact that we’re about to spend the next three days doing one of these things: swimming in the lake. Hanging in a hammock. And that’s about it. Possibly sipping on some Maker’s during each of these activities and that’s about it. No phones. No deadlines. Just water, trees, and the inevitable tick or two. And I can’t wait.
Happy Memorial Day, y’all. Stay cynical.