Monday, January 17, 2011

A Walk through the Harriet Carter Catalog

If you've been my friend for any time at all (which you probably haven't.  I have 3 cats.  Not a lot of friends.) you might have heard me impart horror lovely stories about the mailman who used to bring the mail at my previous place of employment.  This mailman would look down my shirt if I was wearing a turtle-neck and would often bring me random catalogs.  These catalogs usually skeeved me out (free Victoria's Secret underwear?  Kosher.  Frederick's of Hollywood Holiday Edition?  Not so much.) until one day he brought me the holy grail of spam mail - The Harriet Carter Catalog.  Come along with me, friend.  You're about to encounter a land so awesome that Billy Mays couldn't even fathom such wonder after a three-day bender. 

Doesn't this look appetizing? Strips of bacon, made limp by thousands of micro-waves, hanging there like pantyhose on a shower rod. The description tries to sell the hapless consumer on this by saying it "reduces fat" but I have news for you. If you're eating bacon, you're eating fat. The only way to really make bacon healthy is to turn it into a carrot, and I doubt that will be accomplished with some plastic tongs and what amounts to a lingerie rack for pig meat.

I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "WHY don't I have one of these in my household?" I will tell you why. Because the maker of this product is a complete moron and anyone who buys this product is not only perpetuating moron-ism, but is, in fact, its newest member. I like how "breaks wind" is in quotation marks, because one wouldn't want the buyer of this product to actually think that gas is expelled from a butt-shaped piece of plastic you keep on your dresser. I would have liked to take the doobie that was inevitably being smoked in that little brainstorming session and shove it up someone's "fanny" when the idea of a butt-shaped bank that farts when you put money in the crack came to life. If this was a winning idea, just imagine the products that wound up in the ashtray along with the novelty product-inspiring roach.

This brings us to the "Insta-Screen" that can be installed in seconds. It might keep out bugs, but it is absolutely useless when it comes to barricading your home from women with bad haircuts sporting a sweatshirt that is literally screaming to be sent back to 1982.

These glasses are made to exercise your eyes, apparently with the thought that if your eyes are stronger you won't need glasses. Because I would much rather wear these glasses that look like Kanye West knock-offs than a normal pair of spectacles. I wonder if they help you see the gang of jocks that will come up behind you, give you a giant wedgie, and take your lunch money.

This is what I think is quite possibly the saddest, most depressing item EVER. It's a fake dog, Harriet Carter. You can sugar-coat it with it's simulated "breathing" all you want and throw in a free dog carrier, but in the end, it's a piece of fur-covered plastic that comes with a freakin' adoption certificate! What does this cerrificate say exactly? "Congratulations on financing my second house you sad, weird little person?" The icing on the desperation cake is the fact that it requires two batteries...yet only comes with one. So now the cherry on your "my life is crap" sundae has been placed strategically on top of your fake cat. Better hurry to the store - Muffin might need to go for a walk soon!

I just had to put this in here because of the look on this lady's face. It looks like she stumbled in at the end of the Butt Bank Brainstorming session and took whatever party favors hadn't been consumed yet. Either that or she's really going to need the absorbant night gown when she gets the cold sweats from crack withdrawals.

 I have absolutely no idea what this is, but I'm still going to make fun of it. It reminds me of a Chia pet on crack. You give it water, it gets big and bold and green, but when the water goes away, it shrivels into a useless ball of what looks like poo. My guess after a few times of this, the brown poo will start to steal from you and eventually wind up hocking your family heirlooms just to get a taste of that sweet, sweet "water." Buyer be warned on this one - this is an after-school special just waiting to happen.
For the low, low price of "whatever you pay for this is too much" you can have this lovely hat that looks like a badly-groomed poodle. I can picture the guy who came up with this one, "Let's see. I've got all of this fur left over from making weird fake pets for people and nothing to do with said fur. Hmmm...maybe I could glue it on these irregular tube socks and sell them as hats!" And bam, another entrepreneur is born by making people look like idiots.

I don't understand why this fellow isn't smiling.  At least he's not modeling the previously ridiculed faux fur hat.  Wait.  Shit.  Okay then, let's run down the positives of this shirt.  1.  It's "handsome."  2.  No one ever will attack you while wearing it because no criminal, however moronic, will chance the fact that you actually DO know tae kwon do risk getting a beatdown from someone wearing a shirt adorned with wolves.  Now, let's go over the negatives.  1.  Everything else. 

No comments:

Post a Comment