Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hipster or No? Find out Now!

If you’re reading this, then you’re one of the few people I have left that actually sort of like me.  I would like to thank you for sticking by my profanity-laced rants against all that annoys me in life (which is everything) and I would also like to pass along my psychiatrist’s info, as you very well may be borderline crazy for reading this stuff.  Regadless, it’s time for our monthly semi-annual whenever I feel like writing one quiz!  You may have read about my complete hatred for hippies.  I also hate hipsters, which are a close cousin in that I hate both groups equally.  “Hippie” is a fairly universal term while “hipster” only recently began to pollute our lexicon.  For those asking, “Exactly what constitutes a hipster?  Am I am hipster?  Who is the band I’m listening to?”  I present to you:
Are You a Hipster?  An Easy Guide to Tell if You’re a Douchebag:
1.        Are you currently:
a.       Drinking a PBR
b.      Enjoying 20/20 vision but…
c.       Wearing Buddy Holly glasses
d.      A dude wearing a scarf in the middle of June
e.      Wearing a t-shirt that used to be serious but is now considered ironic
f.        Unable to feel your legs due to the tightness of your pants

2.       Do you believe the adjective “independent” makes anything better (i.e. farms, music, or the space administration?)
a.       Yep.  The man is going to ruin us. 
b.      Nope.  They call me “Salmon” I’m so mainstream. 

3.       Is Skyline Trio:
a.       A really cool band that had way more cred before they sold out
b.      The latest marketing effort for TOMS shoes
c.       The newest flavor from Pinkberry
d.      Something I just made up to see if you’d fall for it

4.       Do you smile?
a.       Yes
b.      No

5.       When did you last…
a.       Shop at American Apparel
b.      Use the word “solid” in reference to a musical act
c.       Carry a man bag
d.      Wear neon-colored sunglasses.  At night. 
e.      Tweet about the location of a food truck
f.        Purchase an accessory with a feather attached to it
g.       Wear a vest

6.       You were last at Goodwill:
a.       A month ago
b.      Two weeks ago
c.       Right now

7.       How many body suits do you own?
a.       None.  I threw those out along with my 1992 cheerleading uniform
b.      2.  They can be useful in the winter as an effective layering agent
c.       I have no idea, but the number is close to the number of Arcade Fire songs I have on my iPod

8.       What kind of facial hair are you currently sporting?
a.       Clean-shaven here.  Facial hair is only acceptable in pre-90s porn movies
b.      Small goatee and neatly-trimmed sideburns
c.       I went as Paul Bunyon for Halloween after painting my dog blue to go with me as Babe.

9.       Are you smoking an American Spirit?  Right now?
a.       Yes
b.      No
c.       Only because I think they enhance the flavor of my PBR while at an obscure record release party

10.   Your record collection:
a.       Is on file with Metro PD
b.      Came from what my parents gave me when they cleaned out the garage.  Gonna sell those things on eBay!
c.       Rivals my body suit collection
#1:  Give yourself a point for each one you answered “yes.”  Unless you answered  yes to D, and then give yourself a smack in the face in addition to your points. 
#2:  Give yourself a point if you answered yes.  Actually, give yourself a point if you answered no, also.  I don’t really know where I was going with that other than I thought the idea of an independent space administration was funny. 
#3:  Give yourself two points for any answer other than “d.”  If you answered “d,” then congratulations, you might not be a hipster! 
#4:  If you smile, then subtract 3 points from your score.  If you don’t smile, go watch some kittens or something.  Seriously.  What’s wrong with you?
#5:  A point for each one you marked yes.  And if you got over two of those, stop reading this because I probably want to kill you and take your fedora for myself.  I’ll hold your athletic socks with the retro stripes around the top while you jump in to that swiftly-flowing river.    
#6:  Put down the “Don’t Do Drugs” shirt from 1984, stop dreaming about how ironic it is that you’re buying an anti-drug shirt, and give yourself 2 points for any answer. 
#7:  If you answered A, then congratulations.  You’re probably not that stupid.  If you answered B or C, then please realize that body suits are nothing more than bathing suits for land. 
#8:  If you answered A or B, then good job.  Huge beards are disgusting and make you hard to make out with at a Death Cab for Cutie concert.  Shave it. 
#9:  If you answered B or C, then do yourself a favor and put out your American Spirit IN your PBR.  It will make both taste better. 
#10:  Give yourself whatever you feel like.  You’ve probably stopped paying attention by now and if you can tell, this quiz is asinine.  Go scoff at someone, continue to survive on an air of superiority and smoke-filled dive bars, and straighten your man scarf.  Your tassels are getting in my beer.  And since I don’t drink crap like you, I can actually tell.    

*Special thanks to my contributing editor on this quiz, Mr. Travis Yost.  Travis has expressed a hatred for hipsters before, which is one of the many reasons I married him.  That, and his record collection. 

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