Thursday, August 4, 2011

Signs I’m Getting Old: A Narrative

A pop here, an ache there.  Let’s face it.  We’re all getting older and the days of making fun of my sister for being part of the dreaded 30's are quickly catching up to my 29-year-old ass.  While this fact sucks, I figured it’s time I take some of my own medicine and make fun of myself for once.  If I can remember to complete the task, that is. 
1.  My entire life revolves around chores:  “When am I going to do laundry” “What’s for dinner tonight,” and, “Can you clean up the cat vomit in the kitchen?” are questions asked in my household on the daily.  When I was 18?  The answers were, “I’ll borrow something from my roommate,” “Beer followed by a 2am run to Krystal” and “That’s not CAT vomit in the kitchen.”  When these changes took place, I have no idea, but one day I looked around and exclaimed, “Holy gravy train.  I think I’m an adult.”  While my chore list is now happily devoid of the dreaded, “Get the random guy off the couch and help him figure out where he lives” task, I realize my life is slowly becoming the stuff out of which the most boring stories ever are born. 
2.  I plan everything.  A trip to the grocery store requires around 30 minutes prep time to review the specials for the week, mentally come up with a semi-menu for the next few meals, and sort through a stack of possibly-usable coupons.  When I was 18?  The grocery store?  The only thing I ever got from my sporadic trips to Bi-Lo were cereal bars, canned soup, and those awesome Pasta Side things whose directions awesomely stated, “Just add water.”  My idea of meal-planning was putting on a bra before I ran to Taco Bell in case the drive-through was backed up and I actually had to go IN to get my Mexican pizza.  Balanced meals consisted of Hamburger Helper, given we actually had milk in our fridge, and a can of peas if I was feeling frisky (a fairly big “if” most of the time as I could usually only locate either the peas or the can opener at one time.  Never together.  Looking back, I wonder if we even owned a can opener…if we did I think it was lost during the great “Light-Up Penguin Abduction” of ’03.)   
3.  I recently got incredibly excited about a vacuum cleaner commercial.  While the sound you’re probably hearing is 4 pairs of eyes collectively rolling at once, hear me out.  This thing had an attachment that opens up to a 90-degree angle to clean your stairs!  If you’ve ever lugged a full-sized vacuum cleaner up a set of stairs, delicately balanced it with your foot on the stair below you, and then run the crappy “curtain” attachment up and down the risers AND the treads, you too will want this vacuum cleaner that’s clearly sent from above.  Another sign I’m getting older?  Never in my life have I EVER worried about the cleanliness of my staircase. 
4.  Describing a recent visit to the Green Hills Mall (more on that in another blog.  It’s another vortex of awful) I believe the words, “But the girl’s shorts!  They were so short!  She looked like a…(well, you probably get the picture.  Insert a derogatory term aimed at a scantily-dressed teenager of your choosing here”) actually came out of my mouth.  This was after I muttered that a guy should “pull up his pants and stop looking like an idiot who just robbed a convenience store” on my way home.  These occurrences almost made me pine for the days when I was that derogatory term, but then I realized that I had to cook dinner and dammit, the cat vomited on the floor again. 
5.  In my backpack in 2002:  An extra toothbrush (for “those” mornings,) Chapstick, aspirin, extra pens, bottle opener, and a stick of gum.  Oh, and on a good day?  Quarters for a re-hydrating Powerade on my stumble to class. 
In my purse in 2011:  Tide stick, two packs of gum, three versions of lip gloss, a re-usable Target bag, coupon caddy, Swiss army knife, and a bottle opener (old habits die hard, what can I say?) 
6.  I heard a Pearl Jam song on a classic rock station the other day.  Sigh.
7.  I woke up at 5:15 this morning.  At the age of 18 the only time I saw those numbers on a clock was when I finally went to sleep for the night.  Birds chirping at that hour now make me smile, but just a few years ago and those songbirds were two tweets away from a stiletto to the head for ruining my ability to fall asleep while reminding me that I had to get up in 2 hours for a lab I was going to sleep through anyway. 
Many other examples exist of my impending geriatric status but I’m guessing if you’re anything like me, it’s getting close to your bedtime.  Besides, I gotta leave you time to dust off that copy of “Ten” and rock out to “Even Flow” before you hear it on the oldies station. 
I also hope my sister is laughing heartily at these…although you’re still older than me. 

1 comment:

  1. I discovered this weekend on 102.9 The Buzz (your favorite station!) that they were celebrating the 20th Anniversary of Metallica's Black Album and realized how frickin' old I am as well. Nice to see that you've joined my club, even if I am six years older than you.