I do believe it kind of snuck up on me but, as the realization of this never-ending recession is slowly dawning on our rapidly-deteriorating checkbook, I’ve discovered that I’m a bit light in the wallet lately. I blame a lot of things, including the rising price of gasoline, the decline of the American dollar, and the fact that hipsters have invaded Goodwill stores nationwide totally willing to pay $8 for a used dress. (Thanks for that. Really.) Anyway, it hit me that I never really defined the moment I became poor, it just sort of…happened. So, with that in mind, I have come up with a foolproof way of determining if you’re sitting pretty at the top of a heap of money, or suffocating mercilessly amid empty Natty Light cans and several pairs of moth-ridden socks.
1. Go to the kitchen. Look in your fridge. You see:
a. A gallon of milk, some lunch meat, and a three bottles of wine
b. Some leftovers in an aluminum swan (probably steak. Or shrimp. Or steak made out of shrimp.)
c. A bottle of mustard, some olives, and…um…yeah. That’s about it
d. I sold my fridge to buy food. Then had no place to put the leftovers
a. A gallon of milk, some lunch meat, and a three bottles of wine
b. Some leftovers in an aluminum swan (probably steak. Or shrimp. Or steak made out of shrimp.)
c. A bottle of mustard, some olives, and…um…yeah. That’s about it
d. I sold my fridge to buy food. Then had no place to put the leftovers
2. Have you done any of these activities? Circle all that apply:
a. Used coupons
b. Murdered a store clerk because she didn’t double your coupons
c. Stolen someone’s shoes. Not for the label
d. “Broken” into your neighbor’s house to use their microwave. (What? Ours was broken)
e. Re-chewed gum (yours)
f. Re-chewed gum (someone else’s)
g. Tied your children to a tree in lieu of childcare
a. Used coupons
b. Murdered a store clerk because she didn’t double your coupons
c. Stolen someone’s shoes. Not for the label
d. “Broken” into your neighbor’s house to use their microwave. (What? Ours was broken)
e. Re-chewed gum (yours)
f. Re-chewed gum (someone else’s)
g. Tied your children to a tree in lieu of childcare
3. You’re walking in the park and spot a $5 bill on the ground. You:
a. Look around, see no one’s looking, bend over to pretend to tie your shoe, and bam. Snatch that shiz
b. Pick it up. Buy a Contributor. Tell the guy to keep the change
c. Immediately chastise yourself for not checking the hooker’s pockets before you dragged her through the park.
d. Stop taking this quiz because you realize there might be $5 in a park somewhere
a. Look around, see no one’s looking, bend over to pretend to tie your shoe, and bam. Snatch that shiz
b. Pick it up. Buy a Contributor. Tell the guy to keep the change
c. Immediately chastise yourself for not checking the hooker’s pockets before you dragged her through the park.
d. Stop taking this quiz because you realize there might be $5 in a park somewhere
4. Pick the celebrity best suited to play you in a movie:
a. Seth Rogen
b. Donald Trump
c. Owen Wilson
d. That crazy guy with the stick that hangs out under the 4th Ave. bridge
a. Seth Rogen
b. Donald Trump
c. Owen Wilson
d. That crazy guy with the stick that hangs out under the 4th Ave. bridge
5. How many pieces of furniture in your house came from a thrift store or yard sale?
a. None. Unless you count IKEA as a yard sale with meatballs
b. 2. My sister gave me first pick of her stuff a coupla years back
c. 4-6. I’ve supplemented my basics with some funky thrift store finds
d. Yard sale? My couch is an abandoned mattress and our end tables are upside down trash cans. Who has money for yard sales?
a. None. Unless you count IKEA as a yard sale with meatballs
b. 2. My sister gave me first pick of her stuff a coupla years back
c. 4-6. I’ve supplemented my basics with some funky thrift store finds
d. Yard sale? My couch is an abandoned mattress and our end tables are upside down trash cans. Who has money for yard sales?
6. Describe your last vacation:
a. We took a nice trip to Percy Priest lake. We floated on a Styrofoam cooler and drank the leftovers out of abandoned 40’s on the shore
b. We got a DUI in Florida so we could be on the beach. Picking up trash.
c. We built skis out of some old pallets, waited for a snowfall, and raced down mountains of trash at the dump
d. Our last vacation involved a game we call “I-40 Bingo.” Hop on a truck and see where it takes you! I wound up in Poughkeepsie, but Travis got dumped off at a truck stop in Cousin Love, Mississippi
e. We screamed at each other in French while eating cheese in front of the Batman Building. Who needs the Eiffel Tower?
a. We took a nice trip to Percy Priest lake. We floated on a Styrofoam cooler and drank the leftovers out of abandoned 40’s on the shore
b. We got a DUI in Florida so we could be on the beach. Picking up trash.
c. We built skis out of some old pallets, waited for a snowfall, and raced down mountains of trash at the dump
d. Our last vacation involved a game we call “I-40 Bingo.” Hop on a truck and see where it takes you! I wound up in Poughkeepsie, but Travis got dumped off at a truck stop in Cousin Love, Mississippi
e. We screamed at each other in French while eating cheese in front of the Batman Building. Who needs the Eiffel Tower?
7. What electronics do you own? Circle all the apply:
a. Plasma TV
b. Plasma TV you didn’t donate plasma to buy
c. Potato masher
d. Flip camera
e. Shoe horn
g. A portable notepad computer
h. A portable notepad (college-ruled)
Scoring:a. Plasma TV
b. Plasma TV you didn’t donate plasma to buy
c. Potato masher
d. Flip camera
e. Shoe horn
g. A portable notepad computer
h. A portable notepad (college-ruled)
Question #1: If you answered (a) or (b) go away. You have money for actual food and I can’t hear what you’re saying over the rumbling of my stomach. If you answered (c) or (d) then good job at the whole being broke thing we’ve got going on.
Question #2: If you circled more than 2, welcome to the poor club! If you murdered a clerk, then welcome to the poor club on Death Row. The only thing separating the two clubs is a rap sheet and a very thin, very gray moral line.
Question #3: If you picked (b) then good for you. You’re an idiot. If you answered (c) you’re also an idiot, as the first rule of “Hooker Club” is always check the pockets of the hooker you just killed. Especially in a park. You know she just made some money in those public restrooms by the monkey bars.
Question #4: Wow, still reading, huh? Congratulations. If you picked any of the answers, then you shouldn’t be poor because some is actually making a movie about your life. So just stop reading. You incite both disgust and innate jealousy in me.
Question #5: If you answered (a) – good. I don’t need any more competition. Answer (b) more your speed? Good job. A long-term strategy of mine has been quietly insulting my sister’s things until she convinces herself to get rid of them. Right into the arms of her greedy yet thrifty younger sister.
Question #6: You probably turned up your nose at all of these vacation alternatives. And to that I say, “Pass the safety vest. Big Mama’s taking a chance on a Tyson truck. I-40 Bingo FTW!”
Question #7: I would give you a quarter for sticking around to the end of this thing, but really? I need that quarter to ward off Mr. Crazy Eyes at 4th Avenue. I think his stick’s getting longer.
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