So I’m officially off to visit the West coast tomorrow, as I’m
flying my happy ass to Seattle for the Allrecipes.com 15th birthday
celebration. This fact does not
annoy me. However, I’ve been noticing
more and more things that DO annoy me lately and I’ve compiled enough to make a
list. Afraid the Seattle air will suck
these great things out of my brain, I decided to void my brain of these items
in a mindless ramble a la the Internet. Also,
the word “void” makes me think “your bowels.”
Enjoy.
1. People who tell
you their weekend plans just so they can tell you theirs. It’s classic and easy to tell when someone
walks up to you with a poop-eating grin (isn’t the word “poop” funny?) and
says, “Got any plans this weekend?”
Before I can enthrall them with my agenda of “scrubbing the carpet from
the latest cat vomit spree and then drinking beer on my porch and postulating
as to my neighbor’s profession…we’re fairly sure she’s a prostit…” I’m cut off
with plans of, you know, actually doing stuff.
(In case you’re wondering, the end of that sentence was going to be “ute.”) Maybe it’s irritating to me that people
actually seem to have fun on their weekends or maybe I just hate being
interrupted by someone who actually seems to have fun on their weekends, but
whatever it is, stop it. Just come up to
the person and say, “Hey! I’m totally going
whitewater rafting with George Clooney this weekend after we hit up happy hour
at Virago where we’re gonna hang out with
the guy from the Dos Equis commercials.”
And it’s perfectly acceptable to walk away before I tell you my exciting
plans of cleaning out the moldy substances in my refrigerator and stealing my
neighbor’s front license plate that is maddeningly crooked. You’ll probably just think I’m a psycho
anyway.
2. People who jog on
crowded roads. Here’s the thing – I
myself run on a road, but it’s through a neighborhood, it’s fairly common to
see people running down this road, and it’s not a main thoroughfare through
anything. People running down Mallory
Lane next to the I-65 entrance ramp are just doing this to show off their
incredibly toned stomachs and heat resistance (note: This IS a very specific description of a very
annoying person jogging in the middle of Cool Springs while it was
approximately the temperature of Dante’s 10th level of hell
outside.) I’m not saying, “Don’t
exercise.” What I’m saying is, “Exercise
in a place where 1. You have the least likely chance of being run over by a
trucker who is just trying to get on the interstate to deliver his load of
bananas before midnight and 2. YOU’RE
ONLY DOING THIS TO SHOW OFF AND WE ALL KNOW IT.” So continue to sweat and continue to dodge
mobile meth labs. Because what you’re
doing is stupid.
3. Guys who say “delish”
instead of delicious. This is actually
aimed at one person, also, and that person is Tyler Florence. He used the phrase “delish” the other day in
reference to something he made and holy crap, I almost threw my Hot Pocket at
the television. First off, shortening
words is a known annoyance of mine and almost always the tell-tale trait of a
hipster. Females engaging in this
questionable activity are bad enough, but dudes? Seriously?
You sound like Andy Cohen and no one needs that much Andy Cohen is their
lives. Secondly, how can anyone think
that the abbreviation of a word that’s NOT EVEN THAT FREAKIN’ LONG could make
you sound hip, cool, or even intelligent?
So, Tyler Florence, until you can get a grip on your vocabulary, you’re
going to need to take your tasty-looking pesto elsewhere, because this girl can’t
listen to a man who has obviously spent way too much time in the presence of
dumb people.
4. Chick-fil-A. I’m not about to go off on some anti-gay restaurant
rant, mainly because it won’t do a damn bit of good and I shudder at the
thought of starting a gay marriage debate, because, well, that sounds like it
would annoy me. The whole “we don’t
support gay people” stance isn’t what bothered me to begin with anyway – it’s
the fact that their food sucks. Granted,
this view is probably due to the fact that Chick-fil-A was one of the few
options available on my freshman meal plan at the good ole UT of K and I gorged
myself on their nuggets so much that I could possibly live until Joan Rivers
dies before I need anything even resembling a piece of Chick-fil-A chicken
again. Secondly, I’ve NEVER been in one
of their restaurants that wasn’t completely crowded, inside and out. The location in Brentwood gets so backed up
in their drive-through at lunch that they have to make some poor sap stand out
there and direct traffic or something (not sure what he does, but I’ve seen him
out there talking to folks in their cars on numerous occasions. I’ve also said the phrase, “Why don’t you get
your ass out of the car and go inside instead of wasting three gallons of gas
while you wait for your deep-fried crap?” on numerous occasions.) I’ve found out why someone would choose the
gas-waste route, as upon stepping into a Chick-fil-A I’ve often been
overwhelmed by the sheer amount of children in one place. Don’t get me wrong – I like kids and I’m
aware that most of them need to eat in order to survive. But holy honey mustard dipping sauce, they’re
EVERYWHERE in there! It’s loud, it’s
chaotic, and their chicken sucks.
Besides the fact that they’re closed on Sundays, these are plenty of
reasons for me to avoid this place like the plague, no matter their political
stance on marriage. Now if we could work
on those horrible billboards and get them the hell out of the SEC tournament, I’d
be one happy camper.
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