Monday, August 20, 2012

Stuff About Me that Probably Annoys Others

So I spend an abundant amount of time complaining about characteristics in others that drive me insane.  In the idea of “if I complain about it enough, something will get done, right?” I will talk endlessly about the world around us and the sheer amount of aggravation it holds.  While thinking about this, I wondered to myself, “Am I in someone’s blog because I annoy them?”  And then I thought to myself, “Probably.”  So, to turn the tables on myself, I present things about me that probably annoy others. 

1.  I talk to myself in the grocery store.  And in Goodwill.  And well, everywhere possible in public.  Walk past me in the produce aisle at Kroger and I guarantee you’ll hear the whispers of, “No, I have tomatoes.  Don’t I have tomatoes?  Maybe I don’t have tomatoes.  I should probably get tomatoes” while I wander around with my grocery list that is surprisingly devoid of tomatoes.  I’ve had to admit to several people on different occasions that I wasn’t talking to them, but rather to myself in a delusional haze of bad grocery planning.  Follow me around Goodwill and you’ll hear, “Oh, I’m totally gonna spray-paint that later” or “You really don’t need another pink dress, but it IS just a dollar” while I walk around the store on a hunt for a good bargain or photographable mullet.  The point is, people probably (and justifiably) think I’m crazy.  Mainly because I am, but that’s beside the point as I’m sure someone, somewhere has taken some time to talk about stupid people talking to themselves in public.  And I’m public enemy numero uno. 

2.  I have pretty bad taste in music.  The husband once borrowed my iPod for a quick jog and returned it after ascertaining that I was a 1970’s stripper from Alabama from my selection of tunes.  It’s no secret that one of my favorite bands of all time is ABBA (although I blame my sister for this) and yes, there is a LOT of Britney Spears in the ole iTunes account, along with a mixture of Oak Ridge Boys and Ricky Nelson (and Alabama.  I can’t help it.)  Old music from the ‘90s?  Yep.  Classical country music on the AM station in the morning?  PLEASE sign me up.  Having married a music-fan of a husband, my musical tastes are ridiculed by my husband with almost the same regularity as my Food Network addiction.  Oh well.  At least I can dance (badly) in my kitchen to the glorious sounds of Flo Rida’s “Whistle” while I make cornbread waffles thanks to a TV tutorial from Paula Deen.  And yes, I just may have helped Mr. Timberlake bring sexy back while making a batch of toffee.  Don’t hate. 

3.   I’ve been using the phrase “no bueno” with increasing regularity lately.  I don’t know where I picked up this phrase but it’s becoming more and more crutch-like in my daily vocabulary and I’m not okay with that.  Plus, I’m not Spanish, so I’m sure that’s irksome to those down the Mexico way. 

4.  I probably didn’t listen to your voicemail and I’m just going to ask you to repeat whatever it is you said when I finally get around to calling you back (another point of annoyance, I’m sure, is the non-existent quickness I have for returning phone calls.)  I’m sure the other person is thinking, “I went through the trouble to tell you why I was calling and you couldn’t trouble yourself to listen to that for 43 seconds?  What’s the point of even setting up your voicemail if you’re not going to utilize its intended purpose?  And the reason I called you was to remind you to get paper towels.  Had you just listened to the message you wouldn’t have even had to call me back and therefore you’ve wasted more of my time.”  I get it.  It’s rude and I apologize.  And if you reply, please do so in text form.

5.  I have probably never seen the movie you’re talking about currently.  We didn’t frequent the movies so much when I was younger for a few reasons.  1.  We had a one-screen cinema in the sleepy town of Springfield and the movies were often out-of-date anyway.  2.  I peed in one of the seats at the cinema while being forced to watch a Jaws movie which literally scared the pee out of me and I still think about that.  Couple these reasons with the fact that we didn’t procure a VCR until the time “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” rolled out and you’ve got yourself a movie pop culture brain vacuum called me.  I frequently have to ask the husband why something is funny on Family Guy or other shows (you know they’re referencing…something…you just have no idea what that “something” actually is) and he’ll sigh exasperatedly while he explains it’s something from Star Wars (note:  I’ve never seen Star Wars.  I told the husband that I would watch it now but he says it’s too late in my life and I’m not going to appreciate it.)  So there.  I’ve probably never seen that movie unless “that movie” involves “Best in Show,” “Roadhouse,” or “Waiting.”  I have such good taste in cinema.  Aren’t you glad to call me your friend? 

6.  I drive with my windows down almost all summer.  This means everyone can hear me singing in the car and that I probably smell like sweat when I arrive somewhere.   

7.  I also back up my car like a trucker, hanging my head out the window and everything.  It’s pretty classy to watch. 

8.  I sometimes write e-mails that are way longer than necessary and it’s often because I’m just trying to get the recipient to laugh at them.  And then I figure it’s actually just to make myself laugh and I’m forcing the receiver to read 8 pages of text to get the point of my e-mail and he’s probably doing anything but laughing by the time he realizes I just wanted him to pick up paper towels.  My bad.

9.  I once took a picture of a guy in Vegas at the "Pawn Stars" pawn shop.  He offered to take a picture of the three of us (the husband, the best friend, and the myself) and asked if we would take his picture on my camera and send it to him since he had forgotten his own photography equipment.  I heartily agreed as he was very nice, and he gave me his card with his contact info.  
I lost his card and therefore never sent him the picture.  He probably hates me and it's justified because I still think about that sometimes and feel guilty.  I searched and searched, but never could find that little piece of paper with an e-mail address for a guy in Canada who just wanted proof that he stood with the guy from a reality show about people's old crap (hey, I'm not judging.  I totally have mine posted on Facebook.)  

10.  I hate olives.  I like the thought of olives.  I like the sight of olives floating in my martini.  However the thought of eating an olive makes me want to gag harder than Rosie O’Donnell at a Magic Mike screening. 
So there you go.  I could actually probably make this list go on for days, but that’s annoying as my long-winded e-mails, so I’ll bid you adieu, apologize for using the word “adieu” in a closing paragraph, and be on my annoyance-filled way of merriment.  

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