While driving to work and cursing my fellow commuters this morning, I came to the (not at all) shocking conclusion that humanity sucks. I feel the world is slowly degenerating into a heaping, flaming pile of poo and when the earth finally says, “Enough” and caves in on itself, it will probably be a blessing in disguise. And it’s with these happy sentiments that I present another blog on all that’s wrong with this world.
1. Keurig coffee makers. Are people aware that you don’t HAVE to make an entire pot of coffee? Do folks realize that all you need to do to make a cup of coffee is to add less water and less coffee to your coffee pot? Why do we need individually-sized pieces of plastic to aid us with simple math in the morning? Answer: we $#&%ing don’t.
2. Alex Trabek pronouncing fancy words all…fancy-like. I know you’ve hosted Jeopardy for going on 84 some odd years, and I’m sure you’ve gained multitudes of completely useless knowledge in your tenure, but do you have to say those words like you’re the greatest thing since pre-sliced cheese? Answer: you *#^%ing don’t. And Giada De Laurentiis? Don’t think you’re exempt from this rant, either. You don’t think we notice that your Italian accent suddenly appears with that ball of mozzarella cheese? Answer: we *#&%ing do.
3. The fact that the steam cleaner I picked up off the side of the road doesn’t work. Granted, I had a feeling that the reason my beloved steam cleaner appeared on the curb wasn’t that it worked perfectly, but a cash-strapped gal can hope, can’t she? I had high hopes when I actually turned on, but after filling the water reservoir and adding (extremely freakin’ expensive) steam cleaner solution, I decided to try my hand at clean carpets. The problem? The water doesn’t come out, so you just wind up with soap-soaked carpets and no steam. I’m now faced with the dilemma of putting the stupid thing BACK into my car and finding someone who will repair it, and I’m fairly certain those people are few and far between, thanks to the popular “it’s cheaper to just get a new one” mentality. Sadness and dirty carpets: I have them.
4. Looking at rich peoples’ houses. People magazine has a penchant for running a “Houses of the Stars!” feature that makes me want to punch a baby. Life sucks as it is and the last thing I need to see after attempting to steam-clean my carpets with a roadside steam cleaner is some rich assclown’s personal bowling alley/wine closet. It’s like this: wake up in a house you hate. Go to a job that you may or may not hate. Get paid. Spend your entire paycheck on bills you hate. And then sit down at the end of a hard week to get slapped in the face with, “We know the country’s in a recession and that you hate your life – but look at the awesome stuff these people have!” I don’t give a flying rat’s dirty parts about a Kardashian’s custom-designed wading lake. I just want my property taxes to stop increasing.
5. Increased property taxes. Why my property taxes weren’t rolled into my mortgage payments from the get-go is a complete mystery to me, so imagine my surprise when I got a hefty bill the first year in my house labeled, “Property taxes!” (I may have added the exclamation point for effect.) After that first slap in the face, I wisely thought, “I know. I’ll put money away all year so when the property tax bill comes, I’ll actually have the money with which to pay said bill.” Foresight – it’s a hell of a drug, I tell ya. So imagine my surprise when I got this year’s property tax bill – and it was MUCH higher than its predecessors. Deciding to exercise my right to call and bitch about things, I called our lovely tax folks and explained the fact that, if anything, our property values have hit the proverbial bottom and that I’m well-versed in this soul-crushing fact due to the whole “can’t sell my house for what I owe on it” situation we’re in currently. I mentioned the foreclosures, the bank seizures, and the asinine prices of the abodes surrounding me and was told, “Those aren’t valid sales” when assessing property values. OH REALLY? Because they sure as hell matter when it comes to selling the house. Interesting, Charlie Cardwell, metropolitan trustee. Very, very interesting. Assclown.