Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Happiness with a Side of Everything Sucks

So the house hasn’t sold yet, but I have had a chance to glare at truck driver neighbor and the neighbor who we’ve decided is selling her body on the street hasn’t been home in a few weeks – in other words, things could be worse.  Since my last “crap that doesn’t annoy me” post garnered us a showing, albeit a totally useless one, I’m trying this optimism thing on for size again just to see what the hell I have to do to unload this heap of wood.  Note:  while reading this, you very well may think to yourself, “These aren’t positive thoughts at all – this is just pessimism shrouded in a cloak of false happiness.”  And you’d be right.  People who are happy all the time should be handled with extreme care, as there is most definitely something wrong with them.  I’ve got things wrong with me, but at least I’m realistic enough to admit it. 

1.  Boxed wine.  A co-worker of mine turned me on to this wondrous delight and I’ve yet to look back since.  Using a shopping cart in a liquor store makes one look like an alcoholic, but when you have the ability to shove 4 bottles of wine into one box, the judgmental looks decrease exponentially.  I’ve found that hanging the spigot into the kitchen sink reduces the amount of drippage you get down the front of your white cabinets.  I’ve also found that sipping this beverage out of a jelly jar will yield several comments about your level of classiness.  (Not to worry, these comments will roll off your back much easier after a couple more jars of wine.)  Finally, there’s nothing like an entire box of wine to make you forget about the fact that your house has been on the market for 2 ½ achingly miserable years.  So go ahead – have another box. It's not like you're going anywhere.  Cheers! (Note:  I don't know who this guy in the picture is, but doesn't he too look excited about the prospect of a BOX OF WINE?)  

2.   The show “Nashville.”  This over-acted soap opera of a show may be a bit cheesy and I don’t care one bit.  The sweeping shots of the skyline are only affirmations of the tattoo I have of our lovely city, plus it’s great fun to say, “I’ve totally been there!” and “Music Row isn’t really walking distance to the pedestrian bridge” or “That’s totally not the actual WSM studio.”  I think the real reason I love the show is that it gives me an excuse to watch totally trashy television under the guise that I’m “doing it for the city.”  I AM doing it for Nashville, but the show’s also filling a guilty-pleasure-shaped void in my rhinestone lovin’ heart, so croon on Rayna Jaymes.*  Croon on.
*I do have to point out that the only other people with that many “y’s” in their name are porn stars.  Possibly a back-up plan once the country music gig dries up?    

3.  Peanut butter.  Another co-worker once said, “I’m only using this apple as a vehicle to get peanut butter in my mouth.”  I realized that I eat a lot of things just for the excuse of shoveling peanut butter down my gullet – rice cakes?  Blah.  Rice cakes with crunchy peanut butter?  BREAKFAST!  And sure, apples are great this time of year, but why not kick that Granny Smith up a notch and slather it in peanut butter?  The one downfall of peanut butter is actually buying it.  I don’t know if you’ve taken a gander at the PB aisle lately, but the possibilities are mind-boggling.  Crunchy and smooth used to be the only options, but now there’s reduced fat!  There’s peanut butter with chocolate swirls (note:  ugh.) and then there’s the peanut butter with the jelly already mixed in (another note:  really?  How lazy can we get?)  However, once you figure out that the jar you’re holding is your sought-after plain ole, run of the mill crunchy, you can escape the peanut butter black hole on aisle 5 and get down to the business of slathering everything you can think of in a glorious paste of peanut mash. 

4.  Dumpster diving.  I will say that the one “perk” of living in the equivalent of a bathtub filled with Krytonite is being close enough to the dumpster to scavenge what our neighbors have deemed unfit for their own bathtubs of superhero downfalls.  I’ve gotten a set of water and food dishes for the cats, a couple of books, two picture frames, and my keys out of the dumpster during my tenure on Timberway Circle (of Hell) and that’s just the stuff I’m willing to admit to on the Internet.  And yes, I did throw away my keys once.  It was sometime in the month of July and it took several frantic minutes of cursing, learning WAY too much about my neighbors, and searching through refuse with a broom handle before I liberated my keys (attached to my all-too-important Suntan City card) from the box o’ trash and returned to work with a completely different outfit and a greater appreciation for our trash guys. 

5.  The idea of losing somewhere around $10,000 (roughly.)  Why is this pleasing?  Because when we DO sell our house for an absolutely devastating loss, I will no longer actually be living in that house.  And for that, I’ll gladly give whoever will take it a large sum of my hard-earned money.  Because there are unused towels in the bathrooms, unfilled fancy soap dispensers on the sink, a permanently-set kitchen table, complete with fake fruit, and all of our cool shit is in storage.  In order to get rid of ALL of this in my life, I would probably carry out a hit on someone’s wife just to get some relief from the anxiety of living in a staged house.  At least my property taxes wouldn’t inexplicably increase on my 8x10 piece of Metro-owned penitentiary. 
(Note:  This is what I imagine I would look like as a professional assassin.  A fairly accurate depiction, I'd say, save for the egregious lack of curly hair.)  

So there you have it.  Things that kind of make me happy but probably shouldn’t.  Bring on the good karma, universe.  Because I still think everything sucks.  


  1. My wife makes our peanut butter. Yay!

    1. And I've yet to try any. Yay? Or "bad Jim?"

  2. Gawd, I love you! Your posts always make me smile :) I have the same perspective about cheese as you do peanut butter. What ever it is that is carrying the cheese into my mouth is just a vehicle to get said creamy deliciousness into said mouth. Mmmm!

  3. Thanks! And I believe there's an entire blog to be dedicated to cheese coming soon. Feta, cheddar, goat - where do I even begin??