While I’m sure you’re busy cursing the fact that all of your winter shoes are wearing blisters on your still-used-to-rocking-flip-flops feet, I’ve been busy cursing other things. A lot of other things, actually, and I feel the need to share these things once again. I’m almost positive you don’t care, but think of it as a little 10-minute break where you can stare intently at your computer screen, furrow that brow, and look completely engrossed in work when your boss walks by to see if you’re on Facebook. And for that, you’re welcome.
Things of Aggravation in My Life:
1. The people who re-designed the bottle for my contact solution. Do you really think it’s funny to mess with people who are practically blind without the aid of contact lenses, Opti-Free? Here I am, struggling to extract the demonic pieces of plastic that are suctioned to my eyeballs and you decide to make the process even harder by redesigning a bottle that’s been the same for years…and that I only use when I can’t see? Here I am, completely blind, and struggling to figure out your stupid new “leak-free” cap. It didn’t leak in the first place. The wheel doesn’t need to be re-invented and neither does your packaging. Freakin’ sadists, the lot of ya.
2. People who make completely vague comments that kind of sound intellectual in a social situation. I bring this social faux pas to light because I actually did it the other day and annoyed myself. We were watching the Titans game a couple of weeks ago. Towards the end of the first quarter, the score was 0 – 0. I stated that, “Wow. It’s really been a defensive game.” Really, Jamie? Ya think? Neither team has scored, which would put the offensive action at….absolutely nothing. Way to point that out, Captain Obvious. Now, I’m going to go back to figuring out the color of the sky, the shape of the earth, and the actual beginning and end of Old Hickory Blvd.
3. Online Security Questions. I know that these are put into place to protect my online identity (because someone wants to steal a lot of pictures of mullets, I just know it.) Regardless, when I set up these questions, I always answer with something I just KNOW I’ll remember. First job? Hmph. Easy. Wait. Did I put “server” or “waitress?” Did I capitalize it? Hold on a minute, maybe I just put “tomato picking slave.” Sheesh, that’s not it. So I’ll skip that one and go to an easy one: “What’s your favorite color?” Amazing. I have put in all of the 64 Crayola “Big Box” colors and not one has worked. I even tried “paisley” in case I was in a spunky mood that day. Nothing. Hmmm…let’s see…first pet? I GREW UP ON A FARM! Screw this.
4. Katy Perry. Yes, that’s correct, I still hate Katy Perry. The fact that she shoots flames from her cleavage has officially her on my “Celebrities I’d Assassinate if I had Three Names” list. It’s just that she tries so hard…and that she’s flat out annoying as crap.
5. Youtube. This monstrosity of a website is sucking away at my life, 4 minutes at a time. All these people have done is taken one joke – ONE JOKE – and are riding the gravy train all the way to the “Hide Your Kids Credit Union.” How do you think Mitch Hedberg feels about this, kids? Hmmm?? HMMM???
6. Anyone who answers the question, “So, what kind of music do you like?” with “Oh, you know. Anything, really.” Really? I highly doubt that you actually like all forms of music. How do I know this? Because no one actually likes Bjork. You can make fun of that stupid swan dress all you want, but I dare you to sing one of her songs…and not while you’re choking on a hot dog. That’s cheating.
7. Late trick-or-treaters. I haven’t had a single trick-or-treater in the four Halloweens I’ve spent at my house and I assumed this year would be no different. Little did I know that at 9:15 on Sunday night, when I was fully absorbed in the new AMC series, “The Walking Dead,” that 3 of these people would show up on my front porch and knock like the apocalypse was upon us. After grabbing the cats off the ceiling and discerning that a police squad wasn’t outside with a battering ram, Travis and I began the frantic search of the kitchen for something to give these kids. They got apples and granola bars, therefore making us “that house” on their Halloween route. This isn’t really their fault, per se, I just feel the need to blame someone for making me feel like a Halloween grouch/healthy person. Aaaand….done.
And now, in keeping a yin with the yang of this little rant: Things that Actually Make Me Happy:
1. Writing in Sharpie. Maybe it’s because I’ve been forced to use blue or black ink on every document ever in my life, but signing checks in purple marker makes me happy. They probably don’t serve the same purpose to the bank tellers to which I hand said checks, but whatever.
2. Thanksgiving. Yes, this makes me sound like a complete glutton, and I don’t care. A holiday centered around large amounts of cheese and cream of mushroom soup? Yes, please. And a holiday where I don’t have to burn down my house with a highly-flammable tree encased in lights OR buy gifts for people I don’t like? Hell yes, please.
3. Katy Perry. Do not adjust your eyes (but you may want to put down that “water bottle” of vodka you’ve been carrying around. I can help with your Facebook habit at work, but HR is really starting to catch on to fact that you smell like Nick Nolte on a Wednesday afternoon.) Yes, Katy Perry is on my most-hated celebrity list, but thanks to one Mrs. Rachel LaCroix (oh yeah, I’m calling you out) I have actually started to like that blasted “Teenage Dream” song of hers. Am I contradicting myself? Yep. Is this my note so I don’t give a flying turkey leg? Yes. I’ll admit it. I hate Katy Perry but that one song is etched in my mind and when it comes on the radio (for the 43rd time that day) I will crank the dial, roll up my windows, and sing “I’ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans” while a flood of shame overcomes me in the form of horrible dance moves.
candy that’s appeared on my desk since Sunday. I have a candy bowl that I like to keep out at work. I don’t get much foot traffic on my side of the office, so I use the candy to make people walk over and talk to me. Sneaky AND fattening? Yep. But now my co-workers are bringing me their extra Halloween candy and all the stuff they took from their kids to “contribute to the fund.” I have news for everyone I work with – I’m hiding all the Butterfingers in my bottom desk drawer and leaving the Smarties for everyone else. It’s the sales assistant’s revenge! Hee hee!! mountain of Halloween
5. The fact that I attempted to get into someone else's car yesterday. While he watched me. I pull up to the mailboxes at our complex behind two other cars. Two gentlemen are chatting in front of the mailbox. I nod politely, get my mail, and, in a self-absorbed flurry of misspelled junk mail, attempted to get into the first white car I saw out of the corner of my eye. The first white car I saw out of the corner of my eye, however, WAS NOT MY CAR. The two men just stood there and looked at me like I was a complete lunatic while I scrambled into the safety of my own Dwight-Yoakam-blasting Honda Civic with a reddening face and the uncontrollable giggles. While this probably didn't make one of my neighbors very happy, it tickled the crap outta me and I hope it has the same effect on you, dear reader.