Wednesday, March 9, 2011

More Stuff from Harriet Carter? Yes, Please!

It's that time again - a glorious, glorious walk through my favorite piece of junk mail - The Harriet Carter Catalog!  Here are some of my favorites from my latest perusal that I thought I'd share with you, oh dear yet probably insane if you're reading my blog reader!  Enjoy.  And I apologize in advance if you actually own any of the products.  But really.  Shouldn't you be the one apologizing? 

No Slip Ice Treads
Let you walk safely on ice and snow. Heavy-duty rubber treads have sure-grip stainless-steel cleats that steady footing no matter how slippery the surface. Simply slip over shoes or boots- they stretch to fit entire foot; fold to carry in purse. Pair.

Finally!  An answer to my dilemma.  You see, I want to climb Mt. Everest, but climbing shoes are soooo 1984, if ya know what I mean.  Now I can strap these puppies on my Jimmy Choos and I’ll be planting my flag on top of that hill in style.  These will also come in handy when I want to go from a day look to a “playing football at night” look without changing my footwear.  Beware, Bo Scaife.  THIS tight end will look even tighter when I’m gunning for the end zone in my Laboutins!

Fushigi™ Magic Gravity Ball is the ultimate contact juggling ball! It’s mysterious, it’s mesmerizing, and it will appear to float and defy gravity. Includes “how to” DVD to teach you dozens of mind-blowing maneuvers that will amuse and amaze everyone. No strings, no tricks!

This should have been invented in 1967 exclusively for Grateful Dead shows.  I have a feeling the only way it’s going to have a “mesmerizing” effect is if the viewer is mesmerized by some other effect.  And under the effects of extremely potent LSD, your audience won’t notice that you look like a mannequin with freakishly realistic arms.  And that you’re an adult that plays with a floating ball. 

My BFF - Best Fish Friend
Grow and raise your own best fish friend™ ! Amazing, but true – up to 8 fish will come to life before your eyes just 24 hours after placing the BFF miracle pouch in water! Kids and adults alike will have hours of fun watching their new aquatic “pets” grow into beautiful, colorful fish. Set includes fish pouch, 1-month supply of fish food, feeding and measuring tools, magnifying glass, instructions. Deluxe version comes with gallon-size fish bowl. For ages 3 and up.

Is your child begging for a pet, but you feel the responsibility of a “realistic looking fake cat that actually breathes” is too much to handle, then the BFF is the fake pet for you!  In just 24 hours, you could have a piece of floating plastic that somewhat resembles a cartoon fish on your hands.  And it even survives after dipping a tea bag in the water, like that deranged kid in the photograph.  Rest assured, you will have a fish-filled afternoon of fun watching these things magically grow…and wear sunglasses while striking a “it’s cool if you don’t feed me.  I’m a fake fish!” pose.

Fish Suspenders
Fish Suspenders are a great catch for your favorite angler! Handsome X-back elastic suspenders feature a school of fish “swimming” across a bright blue background. Adjustable two inch wide elasticized polyester bands have a split leather patch and large, strong-grip stainless steel clips. 48" L. One size fits all. Made in USA.

And once your fake fish die, why not commemorate their long and fruitful life with a pair of suspenders covered in their likeness?  Never fear, Grandpa.  The fish aren’t REALLY dead.  They live on in the memory of bad fashion sense and pants that will never fall down.

Little Old Lady Book
How not to act like a little old lady is packed with tips and advice to help aging adults stay young at heart. Want to make your golden years more fulfilling, fun and meaningful? Stop acting your age and start thinking young! This lively book is full of ways to enrich each day, be happier and approach life's ups and downs.

What better way to NOT act like a little old lady than to shop in a catalog full of products targeted to senior citizens?  Chapters include:  hiding the bulge of your Depends in your skinny jeans, how to use your AARP card to get discounts at da club, and popping that bottle of bubbly with the handle of your walker.  You’ll be rocking your orthopedic kicks in the VIP room in no time!  Deluxe edition includes excerpts from the Urban Dictionary so you can talk a big game without being lame! 

The removable insert creates a well for your favorite filling-pudding, ice cream, whipped cream, fresh fruit, mousse - the possibilities are delightfully endless. Have fun decorating your Big Top Cupcake with frosting, sprinkles, or even your favorite type of candy-let your imagination run wild.

I have a confession.  The Big Top Cupcake is actually not a product of the Harriet Carter Catalog.  It’s part of something much bigger.  Mainly, America’s waistlines.  A simple click on the “As Seen on TV” website nets you America’s biggest cupcake.  Why settle for a confection that is meant to be handheld, portable, and for the most part, edible in 3 – 4 bites when you can have a giant mound of cake and frosting guaranteed to send you into early-onset diabetes just by looking at the ad?

The Crazy Cluck Chicken flaps and waddles around while doing the "Chicken Dance," clucking and flapping his wings in sync with the melody! Grab him by the neck and lift him up while he does his annoying little dance, and he will squawk and cluck like mad, flapping his wings wildly as if he is gagging and choking! So go ahead... choke the chicken and watch him go wild!

You know you want to – go ahead.  Choke that chicken!

Gumdrop Tree Stand
Gumdrop tree stand lets you create a one-of-a-kind centerpiece for serving these classic candy treats! Clear plastic tree features dozens of branches that hold a colorful array of your gumdrops and goodies. Makes a “sweet” decoration for parties and holiday celebrations!  Holds approx. 60 gumdrops; stands 12½" H. (Gumdrops not included)

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been practically screaming for a decorative way to display my outdated candies that no one in his right mind will ever eat!  Tired of your gumdrops collecting dust with your butterscotch and other hard candies?  The gumdrop tree stand is for you.  Make a party even more festive by replacing some of the gumdrops with outdated laxatives and other medicine cabinet leftovers.  Then play, “What’s THAT person’s problem?"  Fun for the entire family!

Animal Clock
Meowing cat clock features images of 12 popular cat breeds on the dial, and chimes with one of 12 meow sound effects at the top of every hour. Light sensor deactivates sounds when room is dark. Includes sweep second hand, a built-in hanging hook and desktop stand for display. 8" diam. Uses 3 AA batteries (not incl.).  Dog Clock also available.

What time will Aunt Bessie be here?  Why, half past a hairless Persian, that’s when!  Make time fun again with the addition of an odd assortment of cats that no one who hasn’t read Cat Fancy would ever recognize.  Who needs a boring cuckoo clock when you can add the cherry to the top of the Crazy Cat Lady sundae with a timepiece that meows every hour, on the hour?  “What’s that you say?”  “Oh, the Siamese just went off, honey.  Time for your lithium.”
Blind Spot Mirrors
Don’t risk an accident! Blind spot mirrors let you see every angle clearly. These adjustable marvels provide an extended view on both sides of your car, truck or mini-van. Make it safer and easier when changing lanes, backing up, or driving on crowded highways. Each mount in seconds to any vehicle’s rearview mirror with included self-stick backing. 4" x 2-3/4". Set of 2.

Prevent blind spots by adding an obstruction on your windshield!  Now you can worry about the things behind you because you can’t see the things in front of you.  Drive down the interstate in reverse with ease with Blind Spot Mirrors.  Sponsored proudly by State Farm Auto Insurance.

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