It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but believe me when I say it hasn’t been that long since something’s annoyed me. I’ve compiled a new list from society’s crap heap and I’m bothered. Let me share the botherance. Please.
1. People who say, “If I can do it, anyone can do it.” Really, crazy gardener lady in Better Homes & Gardens? If that’s true, why is my house not featured in the garden section this month? Because all of my plants died during the “Summer Jamie Forgot about Them” of ’05, THAT’S WHY. I’m very happy you seem to have a keen sense of how to raise a variegated Spanish moss bush, but I do not. It’s neither cute nor humble when you say “Oh believe me. It’s not hard.” It’s dumb and completely false. And it annoys me. Which makes it dumb, untrue, and annoying. I’m going to go now so I can return home and encourage my cats to pee on your fern tree.
2. When you’re in a presentation and the presenter reads anything verbatim from a PowerPoint presentation. If the presenter is assuming I can’t read, I’m assuming the presenter is boring. I immediately tune out and proceed to make a mental grocery list in my head that I will promptly forget as soon as I’m called upon to read the next paragraph on the screen.
3. Anyone who says anything to the effect of, “Oh, this winter’s not that bad. Try living up north.” There is a reason I don’t live up there. IT’S FREAKIN’ COLD. Due to an innate hatred to cold weather, I’m quite happy to live here where winter really only occurs during January and February, and where it very rarely snows. If you like subzero temperatures so much, move back to
. I’m sure you’ll have fun trying to break into country music by walking around Illinois attempting to play a guitar with three pairs of gloves and a ski parka. On another note, I’m going to come find you when it’s 97 degrees with 105% humidity at the beginning of May and say things like, “This? Oh this is nothing. What’s that? You’d hit me if we weren’t in the middle of a heat wave? This isn’t a heat wave. This is what we call Tuesday. Bless your heart.” Springfield
4. The fact that someone…and I won’t mention names…has now gotten me extremely self-conscious about how to say “especially” and “espresso.” This person correctly pointed out that many people say “EXpecially” and “EXpresso.” I understand that someone could be annoyed by a mispronunciation – hatred for those people is the only thing keeping me awake some days. However, while I’m fairly sure I pronounced them right in the first place, I’m now terrified every time I try to espress myself. See? ACK!!!
5. I sometimes wonder about what annoys other people, which slightly annoys me. For example, I wonder if Netflix bugs the crap out of postal workers. Seeing those stupid red envelopes everywhere would certainly make me pull out an Uzi and shoot up my co-workers (not to worry any current co-workers who are reading this. I don’t own any fully-automatic weapons. Now semi-automatic is a totally different story.) And then I wonder if it bothers them when I mark a package as “fragile” or write, “Do Not Bend. Photos.” on the outside. Is it annoying when I write stuff like, “The Nashville Christmas Nazis” on the return address? I bet it is and I feel bad. But I don’t stop doing it. I just feel a little pang of possible guilt when I do it.
6. Bathroom attendants. Maybe I’m just of the school of thought that says, “I can dry my hands without you handing me a towel.” Old school, I know. I hate the thought of paying to use the bathroom because I feel bad if I don’t give them something. I mean, they sit in the bathroom all night and deal with drunks, inevitable alcohol-induced sicknesses, and a variety of other humanity-laced indiscretions. I can at least give them a dollar. But dangit. Now I’ve broken the seal and I will be back. And I’ve set a precedent. Screw this. We’re going to Red Door. The only bathroom attendant there is the best friend you enlist to hold the shower curtain door shut while you pee.
And now, to lighten the mood, things that make me happy!
1. British people cursing. I know cursing is unladylike and unprofessional – blah, blah,blah. Whatever. British people cursing is absolutely adorable and I dare you to get offended when a Brit drops the f-bomb in your presence.
2. Fun bathroom graffiti. Why disgrace the name of your enemy when there is poetry to be left? Sure Amanda W might be a woman with questionable morals, but I’m going to forget that and whatever she did with your boyfriend by the time the bathroom attendant offers me a paper towel. In a world of the sought-after total captivity, make me remember your rants, raves, or general thoughts on life. For instance, some of the best graffiti I’ve seen I found written on the walls of Spicy’s in the
Old City ( peeps, represent.) One said, “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.” The other said, “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read anyway.” Spicy’s closed several years ago but a young person’s wit and accessibility to a Sharpie has been forever etched in my mind…and the occasional birthday card when I have absolutely nothing to say to the person. Knoxville
3. The fact that we’ve finally decided to replace our downstairs carpet in preparation for “Selling Our House: Round Deux” and now I could care less when I drop something on it. I’m thinking of having a “Stains and Canes” party. Much like a “Pimp and Ho” party, attendees will be encouraged to dress up in feathers and large hats while bringing some sort of extremely stainable beverage to enjoy. Complimentary grape juice will be served, along with a myriad of other cringe-inducing mixers, including red wine, motor oil, and cherry Jell-O. Spill away!