I recently renewed my subscription to Cosmopolitan. I would not have done this if I hadn’t had a huge back log of Coca-Cola rewards points, seeing as though I’m approaching 30 and the promise of “19 Ways to Snag a Guy TONIGHT” doesn’t really appeal to me because of the whole marriage debacle and all. So, I’ve decided to write my own articles for the non-insane people who just want to escape from reality for an hour without learning the "23 Ways to Tell if Your Boss Hates You" (hint: reading this blog at work probably won’t help your case if he/she already kind of hates you.)
The Hot List:
- Making every thing possible into a casserole to dirty fewer dishes. I am Southern, so the idea of casseroles already appeals to me. But what REALLY appeals to me? The thought of only cleaning one dish! Why should I bake chicken, boil up some lima beans, and throw together some corn bread when I can throw it all in a pan and call it Jamie’s Cornbread Chicken Bean Surprise? Nothing’s stopping me, and nothing’s stopping you ladies! And less time doing dishes means more time doing more important things: like hurling catty comments about badly-dressed celebrities and gossiping about the new girl at work. Seriously. I hear she used to be a yak.
- Only going into
’s Secret when you have a coupon for free underwear. I know the girls at the VS in Green Hills are totally sick of me. I never take up their offer to “take $10 off a bra today only!” and I always lie and tell them I’m already on their e-mail list to avoid giving out the e-mail address of someone I hate again. I’m usually in a bad mood anyway due to the badly-parked SUV’s of the Green Hills Old Money Society and the fact that some kids from Hillsboro High School just walked by me with a purse that cost more than my car. It’s all totally worth it, however, because I have my own little secret, Vicky. The coupons. Just wait for the freakin’ coupons. Victoria
- Non-stupid people. Intelligence will always be hot in my opinion, and will almost never end with me strangling you with a telephone cord because you’ve asked me the same question for the 47th time.
Unfortunately, the “Not-So” list is much longer. Why? When have you ever known me to not have a long list of crap that bugs me?
The Not-So List:
- Gwyneth Paltrow making an entire freakin' album. Why don’t you stick to playing a drunk country music star and leave the actual drunk country music stardom to people who already know how to do it correctly. Namely, Gretchen Wilson. Furthermore, I doubt you actually ate any fried chicken while you were in
. I’m fairly certain you made your assistant clog his arteries with the fatty deliciousness that is hot chicken while you happily thought of new ways to torture followers of your asinine GOOP blog. I’m thankful for the good publicity for my fair city, but your 15 minutes was up 14 minutes ago, Ms. Paltrow. Nashville
- Hipsters. Will this fad please end? If I see one more effeminately-dressed guy in a scarf and a plaid shirt, I’m shooting him. I’m sick of their outfits made to look like they were bought in a thrift store (they weren’t. They were purchased for an insane amount of money on the American Apparel website.) We get it. You’re attempting to show how different you are by conforming to what a large group of
d-bags marketing geniuses from PBR has deemed cool. So let’s stop with the weird shoes, the skinny jeans, and the fun hats. I only throw that last one in there because I would like a better selection of cool hats when I go to Goodwill. I shop there because I have to. Not because I want to have an air of cool nonchalance when asked where I procured my entire freakin’ wardrobe.
- People who don’t use turn signals. Seriously? How lazy can you be? I hope some hipster runs you down on his made-to-look-vintage scooter.
- That Duggar family on TLC. Wow. Look at you! You obviously paid attention to last month’s article on “The 23 New Additions to the Karma Sutra” and took that shiz to heart! Why on earth should I watch a show about a couple that is making a living by reproducing? You have a lot of kids. Congratulations. I mean, kudos to you for making a living in an industry formerly ruled by porn stars, but stop it. The world has one Jon Gosselin too many already.
- Having your cat wake you up by sitting on your head. I don’t really think I need to expound on that further.
Stay tuned for next month’s issue, complete with “Horrifying Stories from the Conference Room: One Woman’s Fight with Pantyhose” and “The Aloe Plant Diet.”