Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Awkward Situations Diffused: A Guide

Travis and I attended a hockey game last night (Go Preds) and if this game made several things abundantly clear they were 1.  I know absolutely nothing about hockey.  2.  But I do love watching people who clearly think they know more about hockey than anyone in the entire arena and 3.  You should be prepared to be on the Jumbotron.  After watching several lame attempts at humor on the dreaded big screen, I mentally decided my plan of action should that hallowed camera fall on me.  I would share my plan, but I don’t need anyone else pretending to strangle the person next to me you while mouthing something unpleasant about the goalie’s mother into the monitor.  Really.  So, without further ado, I present to you my plans for the unusual events that may or may not happen to you in life.  I’m prepared.  Are you?

Situation #1:  You wake up to Ty Pennington screaming into a bullhorn in your front yard along with an assortment of designers, bus drivers, and people with cans of that stuff that makes you cry.  What do you do?  My first response would be to hide in whatever shell of a house I have left, but I figure Mr. Pennington would tire quickly of that and come in and demolish me along with my ramshackle abode.  To avoid this, I now have a harpoon situated at all ground-level windows and several nets hung in the trees in my front yard.  Go ahead and move that bus, Ty.  Because you just covered up the shallow grave in which I’m going to vainly attempt to hide you and your stupid Sears endorsement.

Situation #2:  Michael Moore accosts you on the street and asks for your opinion on some topic you should probably know more about, but don’t.  This one is easy.  Take out the spare Twinkie from your purse and throw it across the street.  You probably won’t get the cameras out of your face, but you will distract Mr. Moore long enough for you to run around the corner where you will subsequently get attacked by Borat. 

Situation #3:  You’re invited to go on a talk show, only to find out that your sister’s husband’s dog is accusing you of premeditated car surfing on national TV.  This is where that unfortunate picture of the accuser licking himself after Thanksgiving dinner 3 years ago is going to come in miiiiiighty handy.  And you thought I was silly for carrying that around.  Exactly who is laughing now?

Situation #4:  You’ve just made your weekly crack pick-up and now realize that half of the Metro police force is following your every move.  This sucks, but you must remember not to panic.  Follow these steps:  1. Give all of your crack to the hooker in your front seat.  2. Push said hooker out of the moving vehicle, preferably into the path of the cops following you and 3. Drive away quickly and proceed to perform whatever government job it is you do that allows you such frivolities. 

Situation #5:  You realize that those people from that “What Not to Wear” show are following you around Goodwill and snarkily criticizing your fashion choices.  There are actually 2 courses of action that can be taken here.  One would be to unabashedly attack them and the chip on top of their designer jacket’s shoulder while screaming like a banshee in your cut-off jeans and Hyper color shirt. The second course of action is to hide in the cushions of that tufted couch with the horse and buggy theme until they give in to the inherent stench that comes along with thrift store and pass out. 
Situation #6:  You encounter an eccentric gentleman while strolling down Broadway with extremely pale skin, a rumpled hat, and hair that looks like it was last combed with a windshield scraper.  First, pocket your holier than thou attitude about the homeless and second, turn back around and dry-hump his leg.  Because that was Jack White. 

Situation #7:  You realize, after several unfortunate hand gestures, that the man who you just wished death upon in traffic is your boss.  Again, push the hooker in your front seat out into the path of your boss’s car.  Situation. Averted. 

Situation #8:  You’re chit chatting at the latest neighborhood block party and discover that the party mix you’ve been mindlessly shoving in your mouth for the past 15 minutes is actually potpourri.  People have started to whisper.  One might go for the obvious solution of pretending like potpourri has hidden health benefits and attempting to laugh the entire thing off, but your neighbors are already suspicious of anyone who eats cedar chips.  My solution is to spike the punch with napalm and say goodbye to your neighbors with the spirit of Jonestown on your mind and the faint scent of lavender on your breath.  This rids you of two problems:  1. Explaining the fact that you ate air freshener and 2. Mrs. McGillicuddy's weekly complaints about your 5am newspaper runs in your underwear are suddenly non-existent. 
Situation #9:  You drunkenly spill out of the Greenhouse and accidentally trample a midget.  Run for your life because that was Keith Urban.  And his freakishly tall woman you mistook for his nurse is chasing you down right in front of Bread & Co. where she most certainly will NOT be stopping for her usual oatmeal and egg white omelet breakfast is Nicole Kidman.  I actually have no advice to get out of this situation other than at least to film the ensuing melee.  While you’re in recovery, you can shop it around to TMZ in an attempt to pay for the leg she broke with her freakishly-strong arms. 

Stay tuned for my next column detailing steps you can take to determine if you're a hipster!  Once you're off the crutches, that is.

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